Introducing My New Advice Column: “Go Ask Daddy”

1 Apr

Introducing My New Advice Column: “Go Ask Daddy”

Okay, I admit it. I’m an advice column junkie. I read “Dear Abby” religiously for years, and continue to eat up the advice columns in my local str8 paper and local gay rags. And while I’m sometimes enlightened, often times I’m shaking my head. Like the fellow daddy 2 (3)college profs I associated with while I was teaching who never worked in the cut throat business world like I had, I often wonder if the persons writing this bullshit ever got fucked. Literally and figuratively.

Hey, I’m a gay lifer, have experienced the high highs and the low lows of this lifestyle, had my share of seven minute romances, two week affairs and decades-long relationships, platonic and otherwise, and have had enough buddies cry on my shoulders about their love lives to fill an ocean. No, I ain’t a sociologist or psychologist, but I am a people reader. A damn good one. So what better guy to bring your relationship woes to for at least a second opinion than your Daddy?

I’ll kick off “Go Ask Daddy” with an issue a current gym buddy and former fuck buddy recently came to me with. See what you think …

Buddy: After being solo for years, I’ve found a guy who’s on my wave length emotionally, sexually, the whole package. One problem: he’s still with his current partner of fifteen years but tells me they’re breaking up, though he also says they’re giving counseling one last shot. Should I hang in there or move on?

Daddy: Current partners can mess up the love waters, can’t they? Remember, what counts is what guys do, not what they tell you they’re gonna do. If you feel this guy is “The One,” tread cautiously but don’t start searching for those matching diamond studded cockrings just yet.

It’s up to you, NOT HIM, whether you want to continue fucking him, which can be fun, or whether that will only put you on some emotional roller coaster ride. If you haven’t been there yet, let me tell you, it ain’t pretty. So if a fuck ain’t worth the potential heartbreak, quietly distance yourself and wait to see what happens. Who knows, they may have been talking break-up for the last ten years and you’re just the latest in a line of jilted hopefuls. Guys together for more than a few years frequently have a lot of shared experiences (health issues, family dying, pets) and excess baggage (shared real estate, drug rehab relapses) that may actually get in the way of them ever really breaking up.

And how well do you know your beau? Maybe the other guy has been trying to wean him off a drug or alcohol habit and your beau wants to continue his merry ways. Or the other guy may be your beau’s “Sugar Daddy.” When to comes to a choice between love and money, money usually wins.

So tell your beau you’ll be happy to stay in touch but (a) you’re not going to be the sounding board for every little twist and turn in his current relationship angst, and (b) when he’s really ready to consider you in a serious way, well, that’s why God created smartphones.

Just remember, once a guy is out of a long term link-up, he frequently wants to go back on the market and sow his proverbial oats for the fifteenth time, not instantly get locked into another “marriage.” Maybe he’ll wake up and realize what you mean to him, or maybe not.

In the meantime, don’t pine like some prom girl and wait for that fateful text. Indiscriminate sex is good for the soul, and, who knows, you just might run into somebody who’s as free as a bird as you are, and like you is tired of all that excess data usage bills for those cockteasing apps.

Got a question for “Go Ask Daddy?” Send it to str8gay8@aol.com.

I’m a Guest Blogger Today on Author and Reviewer Vanessa Sims

30 Mar

It’s a prequel to a week-long guest blog book tour for my last novel, “The Czar of Wilton Drive,” starting next Monday, April 6.I’ll be talking more about the tour on Friday; for the schedule, check-out my Facebook author page, RP Andrews. And to check my blog today on Vanessa Sims,use link http://wp.me/p4HpVc-6x

Hear Abut the new “Hello Barbie” Doll? The Hell With That! I Want “Hello Ken!”

30 Mar

Hear About the New “Hello Barbie” Doll? Fuck that – I want “Hello Ken”

To reverse its sagging sales – Mattel’s revenue dropped 59% the last quarter of 2014 which should have been its most profitable time with Christmas – and to attract the techno-savvy kids of today, the company is reinventing its flagship toy, Barbie, and made her interactive. The doll works by recording children’s speech with an embedded mike and then sends that info over the Web where it is interpreted as Big Sister Barbie learns each child’s preferences and then comes back with answers to fit the kid.

In a demo, a child told the doll about her interest in dancing; later the kid asks Barbie what she should be when she grows up and Barbie answers, of course, totally non-sexist: “Maybe a dancer? Or a politician? Or maybe a dancing politician?”

The doll ain’t even on the shelves yet but parents are complaining about invasion of privacy, and how this is a sinister way for the company to identify their kid’s interests for marketing purposes. But fuck Barbie and parents. I want a Ken doll that’ll give me advice about my shopworn love life, boost my ego, you know. To chat with Barbie, the kid has to push a button located on Barbie’s belt buckle; I’d put Ken’s on his crotch.

Ray: Hi Ken.

Ken: Hi Ray, how’s tricks?

Ray: Not too good, I feel like box office poison lately.

Ken: Why Ray? You look kinda hot to me, stud.

Ray: I get all these hits on the web but they go nowhere.

Ken: It’s their loss, not yours.

Ray: Yea, but I got all these hot tops who hit me up, see, I’m a top too, but they still wanna fuck me.

Ken: Have you thought of breaking in your butthole with a dildo? You might like it.

Ray: I don’t know.

Ken: Fort Troff is having a sale. Check ‘em out.

Ray: I don’t want to spend any more money. I spent enough on you.

Ken: Wanna use me then? You can use silicone lube – I’m water proof. Check out Condom World – they have plenty of lubes to choose from. Licorce flavor’s my favorite. And there’s an outlet near you. I can pull up Mapquest for directs if you like.

Ray: Wait a minute. What the fuck happens if you get stuck up there? What the fuck do I do then?

Ken: There’s a great gay doctor on Wilton Drive. I’ll even dial him for you – that is if you yell loud enough so my embedded mike hears you while I’m stuck up your ass.

Then all of sudden the “Recharge me” light flashes. So much for Ken. It’s like watching porn on your laptop in bed and just as you’re getting to the good scene and ready to shoot your load, up comes the “Three minutes of power left. Please connect with power source.”

Fuck technology!

Bits and Pieces …

27 Mar

Bits and Pieces …

What Else Can You Do?

First came the metal detectors, then the scanners, then the shoes off, then liquids in a separate bag and yes, even gender/racial profiling of passengers. But after it came out the co-pilot – supposedly okay upstairs and one of us – brought that German airliner down in the Alps, with the pilot who had left to take a leak locked out of the cockpit by the very security gizmos meant to protect us, what the fuck else can you do??

Have a pina colada on the beach and your last fuck before you drive to the airport, that’s what.

A Pic Is Worth a Thousand Words

I was flipping through our weekly gay rags and it stood out like a Trimix-injected dick at our male strip club, Swingin’ Richards. There were pics of Miami’s notorious White Party which generated a record one million dollars for the AIDS Task Force, about the same amount of drugs that went up participants’ noses or in their veins, and just about everybody in those pics was buffed, lasered and young – definitely under 40. Three pages later were pics of those who participated in the South Florida AIDS Walk – all gray, wrinkled and over 40.

Does that tell you something about the Great Generational Divide not just in age but in thinking this “community’s” got going on??

Distracted Cruising

Seems distracted driving – mostly texting while driving – is the number one killer of teens in the U.S. I’m sure adults won’t be far behind. But when it comes to their smartphones, gay boys hold the record for distracted cruising. Instead of gawking at all the pecs on the beach, in the gym, or the bars like the old days, bois are staring at their phones, no doubt, searching for Mister Hot One on one of the GPS driven phone apps.

I saw one guy just today at Crunch who did absolutely nothing but pace around the gym for an hour, babbling on his phone. But the topper was the twink I spied a few months ago bobbing in the ocean off Lauderdale’s gay beach, yep, on his friggen penal substitute.

Some enterprising cellphone manufacturer should make a model in the shape of a dildo – that way the boys could store it up their ass, ear plug hanging out of their hole, Goggle glasses on so they could see their would-be suitor’s profile, and vibrator mode set way up.

Who’d need the real thing then?

Censorship, Sex and Our Way of Life

25 Mar

Censorship, Sex and Our Way of Life

We do it all the time. Watch porn or drool over hard-dicked, cheeks-spread pics on line or on our phone and even order boy toys to spice up our bedroom antics and never think wise. We have our own club districts and circuit parties and festival events like the White Party here in Miami or the International Mister Leather Contest in Chicago or the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco and by the crowds of sweaty men you’d think the whole world had gone gay. Meanwhile same sex marriage is on the books of most states and the way it’s looking, probably will be the law of the land by spring’s end.

Well, guess what? In the lifetime of many of us, it was a whole different world.

The first historic crack in the dam came with books like “The Tropic of Cancer,” a wild novel by Henry Miller written back in the thirties but banned for publication or sale in the US for its “obscenities” until the Supreme Court in 1961 ruled against all the naysayers and Bible Belters.

Interestingly, it was actually a few years before that that “One” won its own day in court. First published in L.A. as a self- described “magazine for homosexuals” which was more literary than illicit in tone, “One” went through a series of its own court tests. Again, and this may be hard for you under 30’s to believe, but homosexuality was illegal in the entire country and just writing about two men in love was a crime. (As you know, I write gay erotic fiction so who knows, it might have been more fun being thrown into prison then beg a guy on line. Just joking.) It would take the law and its view on our behavior decades to change, but in 1957 the Supreme Court ruled “there is no way proper to describe a love affair between two homosexuals as constituting obscenity.”

If you wanna get a taste of what it was like back in the day, check TCM or Netflix for the 1961 British film, “Victim,” historic for its blatant theme of homosexuality and the fact it was the first film to actually use the word in dialogue. For that it was banned in the U.S for years and almost didn’t see the light of day in its home country. (One of the lines of dialogue the censors wanted cut but failed to from Dirk Bogarde, a lead character who hide his gay side in real life: “I wanted him.”)

The film focuses on prominent and not so prominent Brits who closeted their homosexuality since it was illegal in Britain at the time and would lead to not only a prison term but the death of their professional careers. Besides crashing cinema closet doors, “Victim” helped to change the laws in Great Britain and no doubt helped plant the seeds of equal rights we enjoy today.

So the next time you bitch about some flake who stood you up on “Scruff,” just remember it could be a lot worse – ‘cause it was.

My thanks to Fort Lauderdale’s weekly newspaper, “Agenda” and its article about the “One” saga that inspired me to write this blog.

I’m Letting My Beard Grow Long. Any Grooming Tips?

23 Mar

I’m Growing My Beard Long – Any Grooming Tips?

I grew a beard in my twenties to look older and never looked back. Now that I’m just old, I keep it half out of habit, but mostly because I like the look – both on myself and my men.

I’ve usually kept it white collar office trim (even if I’ve used enough “Just for Men” over the years to fill a fair size warehouse). But now suddenly inspired by some guys in the gym and in the bars and their hillbilly looks, I’ve bearddecided to let it just grow. Hey, I ain’t got no job to go to anymore, and I don’t give a fuck if I end up looking like a cross between a homeless guy and a younger Charlie Manson.

Normally when I hadn’t trimmed for about a week it started getting itchy, but I found dandruff shampoo and a good moisturizing body wash has helped me avoid that. And a bearded buddy at the Ramrod, our leather bar, educated me about beard oil you can order online to keep it kissin’ soft.

But how the fuck do you trim a wooly beard without fucking it up?

I googled “trimming a long beard” and came up with a video that instructs you to use a comb and scissors. But that’s too much fucken work. I have a beard trimmer and put it on its lowest setting and clipped a few of the stray hairs, but I don’t know if that’s gonna do the job long term.

So, you guys out there who grow it long – any suggestions?

The Results Of Monday’s “Is Bisexuality” To Be Envied?” Survey

20 Mar

The Results Of Monday’s “Is Bisexuality” To Be Envied?” Survey

On Monday I asked you guys if you thought bisexuals were for real or closet cases. And while the overwhelming number of you identified yourself as gay, 60% of you thought bisexuals were genuine versus 40% who agreed with my take that they’re mostly BS.

However, what was most interesting is the fact that those who ID’d yourselves as gay were not envious and had no interest in playing both sides of the fence, and the 8% of guys who identified yourselves as Bi were comfortable in your own skin.

No hang-ups! To that I say “Mazel tov!”

As I explored in my blog, “The Pan Sexual Generation” many Millineas, the twentysomethings of American society, unlike us Baby Boomer gays who felt we had to choose a gay lifestyle, are no longer compartmentalized in their sexual or social lives. They have gay friends and str8 friends and fuck women and fuck men. Maybe in the end, is this a healthier way to look at sex and gender relationships?

Who knows?

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