Last month, I posted a blog about a poll that one of the bear sites ran, asking how much money it would take for you to stop having sex for a year. The winning answer was at least a million, which got my warped, seedy mind going on what steps I’d take to keep Mr. Peter down so I could collect. I shared my possible options with you, my readers, and for your convenience, I’ve reprinted that blog below. But before we get to that, here’s a sampling of what some of you thought about the notion of no nooky for a w-h-o-l-e year:
“I do think for one million I could do it. What I was thinking was I would just keep in mind that the minute the year was up, and the money was in my hand, I would hire Matthew Rush, hold him up in a hotel room for 48 hours and do every disgusting thing to him and him to me that I could think of. Now that would give me reason to do it!”
“Just making it to the 29th Feb would be next to impossible. And you’re talking about 365 days?”
“Well I’m not very proud of this but I’d know I could do it. And for a lot less than a million dollars. You see, my other half has lost interest in sex and with him being under-employed and me working two jobs, who’d have time or interest in getting it on anyway?”
“Just think of all the hot numbers who are suddenly interested in hooking up with you once it gets out you won that million, guys who ignored you all your life.”
“I haven’t had sex for over 13 months, not including jerking off and inserting various things of course. But I did once go about 2 months without jerking off or having sex, several years ago. I don’t view sex as some drive that’s as constant or as important as food and air, as a lot of people do. It isn’t. Not having sex, or even not having your energies or predilections go that way for an extended bit of time can often allow you to see yourself much more clearly. I really think most people are stuck in this mode where sex is this big huge urge that has to be taken care of all the time.” (P.S.: This guy’s profile features him totally naked playing with his big stiff dick – so much for a low libido.)
“With a million dollars, I’d probably spend it all on stuff that would make me not think about sex for a year, but of course, if that’s a posterior reward, I think I might be in trouble.”
Only one reader actually offered an option I hadn’t thought of. His solution?
“Put a cock cage on me so I can’t jerk off and leave me on a desert island somewhere with no internet or any kind of porn available at all. All I hope and pray is that the monkeys keep their distance “
Now, here’s my original posting that started this discussion among the intelligentsia of gaydom:
Bearcentral.com, a newcomer to the growing network of hook-up/chat sites for furry men, burly men, older men and their admirers, recently conducted a poll that asked: how much money would you need to get paid not to have sex for a year? The overwhelming majority said it would take a cool mil just to consider it, which got me to thinking. What would I do if I wanted that mil bad and agreed not to have sex for a year, the definition of sex including jerking off over some hot luscious porn delight.
What would I do, me a highly charged sexual animal ever since I was 13 and first discovered my dick wasn’t just for pissing – what would I do? That is, after I threw my two laptops and I-pad in one of the Fort Lauderdale canals. Manhunt? Adam4adam? Daddyhunt? Hotoldermales that I’m featured on? Get thence from me Satan!
Now, back in the day, an ancient catch phrase gaining popularity on TV lately, you could always leave this hedonistic world, join the Church and become a priest – even if I was born a Lutheran. But we all know how that would turn out. If I didn’t get into little boys, I’m sure I’d have a seminary bunkmate who’d be on his knees for more than just penance.
So, my first thought was that I’d redouble my efforts at the gym. Clean, wholesome exercise, right? About as American as apple pie and high school cheerleaders – female cheerleaders. But that noble notion went down the drain pretty quick since working out usually always makes me hornier. Maybe it’s all that young, muscular flesh milling around; or maybe it’s getting turned on to myself, narcissistic that I am, as I gaze at my masculinity heaving in the gym mirrors; or maybe its those feel good hormones, those endorphins that strenuous exercise creates that go to my dick. Because almost inevitably, I’m shooting a load either with an actual guy or on my pc screen later that day. No, exercise would not be the way to go.
Then I thought, maybe, I would hunker down and write the great American novel I’ve been fantasizing about doing for the last thirty years. After all, I’m no novice writer – I’ve already published a collection of gay short stories and a novella about a young hustler sociopath, plus I have the plot lines for at least three other books cluttering my brain. Ah, but I remember the feedback I got from my San Francisco publisher when he first read my short stories: “They’re good but you need more sex – more sex!” Writing those obligatory sex scenes that any contemporary novel about people – gay or str8 – would need to include would only put me in a state of arousal. And you know once it itches, you gotta scratch it. No, not good.
Well, then, I thought maybe I should become a meth head like I nearly did with my fuckbuddy Mitch had he not conveniently killed himself falling asleep at the wheel one night returning from Key West. After all, while you’re horny as hell when you’re on the shit, you can’t get a hard-on if you were at Auschwitz and the Nazi guard was demanding, “Either get it up or off you go to the showers!” So, technically, physiologically, I wouldn’t be having sex, just wanting it so bad that I would probably rub off what foreskin the docs back in that Jersey hospital nursery left me with when they circed me as a babe til my dick bled. Plus the fact, I’d go broke buying the shit along with the Twinkies and Gatorade I’d be living on before I looked like I had been in Auschwitz. Hell, and if I survived the year without sex and got the mil I’d go through it in about three weeks on E. But at least the first guy I’d blow would be happy – by that time all my teeth would have rotted out and I’d be gumming his cumhose.
Then the brainstorm hit me – what if I switched pews and went after girls, creatures I have nothing against but in whom I have absolutely no interest in bedding down with. That‘s it, every time I felt that twitch in my dick for that young, slim deli stand hottie, I’d think of my Friday night at some super str8 club, one that caters to the over 50 crowd so that the chances of any attractive lassies being there without a girdle would be reduced significantly.
Oh, but what about all those other guys – men – creatures with dicks like me – out there sniffing for pussy? I actually prefer guys 45+ and with my luck there would be a few Touch of Gray hotties among the Pillsbury Dough boy trainwrecks who would get me all excited – no, no, no.
No, I think the only way I could beat the male-to-male bonding habit was to find some cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere – how’s Alaska sound? – something like the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski had. No TV, no phone, no modern technology whatsoever, stock up on enough food so I wouldn’t have to leave the place, paper the walls in girly mags – the bigger the boobs the better – and have as my only reading material back issues of Readers Digest.
And every time I’d thing of eating a guy’s furry beefy butt, or lasciviously licking the undershaft of his big, stiff manpole, I’d imagine some women’s prison matron like the one 6’2” Hope Emerson played in that 1950 Eleanor Parker flick, “Caged,” threading a catheter down my cock.
But wait – I like stuff stuck down my dick!