Hetereosexist? Nothing New To Me – I Live With One

Seems a new term has entered the gay lexicon of late, or maybe I just missed it. It’s heterosexism and refers to gay men, often closeted but who may still be actively pursuing the hunt, who otherwise abhor gay life, the gay lifestyle, and most gay guys. They don’t  just disagree with some of stuff going on, but brand it wrong, which means there’s no reasoning with them – absolutely none.

Now, some point to Dharum Ravi, recently convicted in the Tyler Clementi-Rutgers University webcasting scandal, as an example of a classic heterosexist. The reason they speculate he “outed” his roommate in such a viscous manner was that he was uncertain about his own sexuality.

O.K., but I think the true heterosexist is a gay guy who admits he’s gay – no closet door here – but knocks gays so much you’d think he’s a redneck who belongs on some porch in backwoods country with a rifle in his hands, pickin’ off fags like ducks even while one’s down in his lap suckin’ his Big Daddy Dick..

One gay guy on bear 411, who I think I told you about before, and who I was trying to hook up with, went spastic when, after he grilled me, I confessed to him that I had a partner.  (OK, you’ve heard it all from me before: G and I’ve been together xx years, as in double digits, he’s no longer interested in sex which leaves with either playing with myself or fucking around, but being open and truthful about my trysts would only lead to endless “discussions” so I fuck around on the side – nobody but little old me in this kind of situation?)  Now instead of the bear411 guy just replying, “hey buddy, sorry I don’t fuck around with guys who have partners,”  he went on in a tirade what a scumbag I was for betraying my “lover.”

Again, I sure as hell don’t agree with everything our shitty, little half-tinsel sub-culture proclaims as “OK,” which gives me plenty of truly absurd stuff to write about with my caustic laptop. But when it comes to relationships – however you wanna define that – there are probably as many acceptable options as there are gay watering holes in Fort Lauderdale. In the end, whatever works for two guys – as long as they aren’t skinning gay boys and dumping them into the canal after they rape them – is fine with me.

But just as I don’t judge others, don’t you fucken dare judge my behavior as “wrong.”

Or take the bi-guy who recently hit me up on adam4adam. When I asked, “can you host?” he replied, “Got a gf.”  My response, “I can’t either, got a bf,” to which he replied, “what, since when are gay guys monogamous?”

What the fuck has that got to do with having a place to play? And since when is “fucking round on the side” an exclusive homo activity?? Before I blocked him, I replied, “You claim you’re bi and have a gf but you’re on a gay website hustling men and you’re judging me?”

But this supposedly new classification of a long time type of homophobic behavior has also made me realize, that sadly, I’ve been living with a heterosexist for most of my adult life. Probably the worse kind.

G didn’t come out til his early 30’s – we met when he was 35 and I was 25 – though he’s told me many times he was attracted to men from the time he was in short pants; almost got married – to a woman – twice; and has never really accepted gays or the gay lifestyle, criticizing someone or something whenever he could, despite his admitted attraction to men – younger and younger men as he gets older which obviously leaves me out of the picture.

But I think my realization finally hit the fan this winter with him down with me at my home in Lauderdale when he berated my across the street gay neighbors – partners for 20 years – for sucking cock when they go camping or on a gay cruise; or my recently divorced Bud Bill for shaking his ass at 62 at the local gay dance club, or screwing around with guys old enough to be his son.  Or calling gay marriage unnatural; or spending evenings when we vacationed in Key West – on my dime – watching TV instead of walking Duval, because he was tired of looking at the “queers;” or sitting away from the rest of us on Sebastian Beach because he had had it with all our idle gay chatter. Or critiquing me for what my friends say about gay life; or, the worse, standing up for Archishop Santorum and his 1957 views on gays to the point he has proclaimed more than once in front of other people and less in jest than one would think, “Good – maybe he’ll haul all of you up and throw you in camps like Hitler did. In fact, I think he’s started digging the drenches.”

This from gay man who admits he gets off on leather porn or tells me the stringy young smooth 20 year old three blankets from us on the beach is a hottie.


Maybe that’s why now you’ll understand that after much internal angst on my part, I’ve decided that once I deposit G back at our home in Pennsylvania later this spring, – yes, I have to drive him back because he doesn’t like highway driving and then return by plane to Lauderdale – living alone will be the lesser of two evils.


  1. Adrien · May 5, 2012

    I don’t know how you do it anymore, but more power to you for being able to deal with a hypocritical partner like G…

  2. cliff · May 6, 2012

    Wow….I have been with many married and partnered men..I once had a married guy confess to me his wife didn’t know and how did I feel about that..I told him that I leave the judgements to God and that if I had a problem I would not be there.

    Good for you Ray…I can tell you I would have no problem being with you in your situation..Life is too short to live by the judgement of others..

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