As a gay man who’s had a long term partner for decades and fucks around on the sly, I grapple with this ethereal thing – honesty – almost every day. Not that I feel guilty about my extra-curricular activities since my other half chooses to no longer be interested in in- the-flesh sex (with anyone), but the fact that after all these years he can get jealous if even a hint of impropriety on my part surfaces – and I try as hell to be as careful as I can so it doesn’t – I end up playing the deceitful pig with a wikipedia of excuses, explanations, and cover alibis to avoid arguments that go nowhere. At my age – and his – I ain’t gonna leave him for a roll in the hay, since commitment is becoming more and more a four letter word. “Honesty is the best policy” doesn’t work for us.
But I truly believe every emotional partnership between two gay men is different and what works for some guys just doesn’t fly for others. That’s why there are threesomes, closed relationships, open relationships, mutually sanctioned pigfests, and, yes, faithful lovers.
But what really brought this whole issue back to me – again – like shit hitting a fan was some indigent chatter I had recently with a holier-than-thou guy on one of the pick up sites, (perfect for meandering manizers like me), a guy that I was trying, well, to pick up.
Instead of giving a yea or nay on my advances, he began questioning me on why I had used the term NSA in my e-mails to him. Did I have a partner, to which I replied I did, but even after explaining to him the circumstances I just explained to you, instead of just signing off, “Sorry, bud, I don’t mess with partnered guys,” he went on how I was just a “cheating queer – you cheating queers are all alike.”
Was he reacting so vehemently because he had been the victim of just such a philandering fag? Maybe, but not one to take shit, I blocked him. But not before I rattled off this question, one obviously I will never get an answer to:
“And just how long have YOU been in a relationship?”
Now if some body told me they had been partnered for five years and the two guys had been honestly faithful to one another, I would be the first to applaud them. Frankly, and this is the cynical fuck coming out in me, I think the only guys in this sex-obsessed sub-culture who are truly monogamous for mini-lifetimes are probably so homely nobody else would fuck with them. Though I admit there may be a few rare hotties or just average Joes who are good boys (not nice boys) whether their monogamy lasts three months or thirty years.
But I guess what troubled me about my heated exchange with St. Good Old Boy (he had just moved to Lauderdale having grown up in redneck upstate Florida which is practically a county of Georgia) was how quick he was to judge other people’s motives without, maybe, having “walked in their shoes.” As far as I’m concerned, even getting off with porn is technically a sign of infidelity since your guy is not the one getting it up and off for you. Yet though, as those of you who follow my blog know damn well, there’s a hell of a lot about this lifestyle and sub-culture I don’t like, that doesn’t give me the right to berate other people on what they do or don’t do as long as they ain’t raping somebody against their will.
Bottom line, how you define “honesty” and “fidelity” in a relationship is as different as men themselves. There is no standard Webster’s dictionary definition.
Or am I just rationalizing my behavior?