Getting things started can be quite difficult and tricky. For me, the best approach is to enter the bar. I take my time finding a seat so to give me time to survey the crowd. This way, if I see someone that sparks my interest I can take my initial seat near him. If you sit down too quickly and then see the guy later, it can be awkward getting up and changing your seat to be closer to him. It might then become obvious to casual observers around you that you are making your way to a specific person.
At his point, if I am lucky, I am already near the guy I find of interest. However, it is entirely also possible that no one has yet sparked my interest. In this situation I sit and observe in hopes that I will take notice of someone. Remember, on any given night the chances are small you will find a potential candidate, and even smaller that the night will end in sex with him. So while at the part always maintain the attitude you are there to have a few beers and some laughs. In other words, still have a good time.
If there is someone I am interested in I will observe the person for a while to see if they look back. But remember, you cannot cruise the person. Just glance and see what their eyes are doing. If the guy really peaks my interest I will strike up a conversation. I converse for a living, so this is not tough for me. If the guy does not want to talk don’t push it. Just have your beer. Never push.
If he does start talking with you, then this is great progress. At the beginning of the conversation, just bullshit about sports or the big news story of the day. After a while, move onto other subjects. Eventually get the conversation to center around him. Remember, everyone likes talking about themselves, and these guys are usually frustrated with their lives. Don’t talk too much about you unless you can relate a story back to them. This night is not about you; it is about them and they don’t want to hear your problems, grips, or issues.
So far what I said could be done in any bar both gay and straight. But here now are some kickers to get you moving in the direction you want.
- Offer to buy the guy a drink. If he declines, then let him decline. Offer again during the next round. I cannot quit explain this, but I found if the guy is unhappy and also has money problems, he appreciates the beer that much more, and you become his buddy faster. But a word of warning: Don’t keep buying drinks like you are best buddies or like you are on a date, and certainly not to intentionally get him drunk. If you do, he will catch on.
- Act like the guy that happens to be sitting next to him at the bar. Don’t act like you are there together. But when possible, see if you and the guy can share some chuckle or observation about someone in the bar or something in the bar. Don’t degrade anyone, but just make the conversation comfortable. Why? In my mind, by doing this it becomes you and him together at the bar as outside observers. It can make you fellow bar buddies for the evening.
- If the guy is drunk then I use a method I call “Ground Hog Day.” My friends make fun of me for this, but it works. Usually someone that is drunk will tell stories, but a little while later he will forget what he told you. So I remember certain central threads, and later in the evening I use those threads to get him to feel we have a bit of a connection. For example, I met a guy once that talked about getting a hotdog stand. Later in the evening I talked about how much how much I was in the mood for a ball park hot dog. This guy lit up and started telling me how he was hoping to get a hotdog stand one day. We then proceeded to talk about this subject again, but now I already knew what he was going to say so I was able to lead the questions in the direction I wanted the conversation to go. Note, this technique only works if the guy is drunk.
After talking for a while I do the unexpected. I act as if I am disinterested and like I am back in my own world. For example, I will go to the bathroom, and when I come back I look off in a different direction of the bar and not speak much. This may sound counter intuitive but what happens, I think, after becoming friendly with you, the guy will feel rejected. Then, after a while start talking and engaging the guy again. He will feel like his new friend is back.
Eventually the night will drag on, so I warn not to over drink. Keep your senses!
If during the course of the evening the guy ever becomes hostile; starts asking why you are talking with him; starts catching and acts annoyed, then disengage immediately. Just say ‘Hey… I was just making conversation’. Say nothing more and order yourself another beer. When comfortable, head out and home.
But if things are going well, then I go in for the kill.
Tomorrow: Making It Happen