Victims, Self-Inflicted

Every time I see one of those over-the-top “in Memory of” ads in one of the weekly gay mags for a guy whose birth and death dates make him old enough to be my younger son, my first thought is – was it AIDS?

Then comes my second.

Any gay guy today who gets AIDS having consensual sex deserves it.

There are those of you out there who think I’m one rotten fuck for that statement, but I can’t believe I’m the only gay man out there who is tired of guys with AIDS playing the role of victim or fed up with all those well meaning, but misguided organizations or groups or maudlin gays playing on my sympathy.

Listen, I’m from the generation that got hit the hardest, the guys who fucked like bunnies during the decadent seventies, and who, while sinful sodomists in some eyes, innocently didn’t know what was just around the corner in the ‘80’s. We all know what happened next. The result: look around. How many really good looking over sixty gay guys do you see? A healthy percentage are long six feet under, victims of their own lust and popularity, while their homely surviving counterparts who couldn’t get sex when they were 20 are now clinging on to the bar rails or some twink who they hooked with their fat pension or portfolio. Luck or smarts, I think I was spared only because I didn’t get fucked, though I was tempted to give up my ass to many a man in my youth. (I also think a small percent of us are genetically immune from the disease; even my gay doc thinks so.)

So, O.K., we Flower Children had an excuse. But what excuse does a twenty-five or thirty year old have? Know how many young boys my gay doctor in Lauderdale has told me he has to break the news to? Or, for that matter, anyone who’s been sexually active since 1985? By then, we all knew, unless we were totally brain dead, that you didn’t get AIDS from toilet seats or a bad bottle of poppers. Yet, so many of us still go on our merry, uncondomed, barebacking ways. (There’s even a few “I want four loads in my ass tonight” sites for those who exclusively BB.)

One night as I was departing my favorite sex club, a do-gooder from one of the local Safe Sex organizations came in to replenish the condom container by the door. “Don’t bother,” I quipped, thinking back to the guys in the orgy room that night with their asses up in the dark. “Nobody’s using them.”

The young, straight and gay, still think AIDS is an old faggots disease, or that, if they do get infected, what’s the problem? There’s meds now, right? After all, look at those bright and cheery four page ads for HIV meds in the gay rags. There, beaming with his bike helmet on, is some squeaky little twenty something with the headline blaring, “I bike, I travel … and BTW, I’m HIV positive.” Misleading? Damn right. What about the next two pages of contradictions and side effects in 5 point type? And these miracle meds don’t work on everyone, you still can puke your brains out on them, and there’s no long term track record to prove whether your body may, at some point, a decade from now, let’s say, no longer respond to the meds. Or if that bastard of a virus inside you decides to mutate, or you get re-infected by some new strain.

I know three guys right now, 52, 56 and 46, all who have been on meds since the late ’90′s. One had to have hip replacement surgery at 48 because the meds turned his bones to mush; the second is showing the beginning stages of dementia; and the third, dementia and cirrhosis of the liver (not due to drinking), and HIV positive guys aren’t eligible for liver transplants. There are just some things the pills can’t halt.

So when a bar event says its proceeds are going to support some AIDS cause, all I picture is how my money will go to continue to enable bad behavior like that young, strung-out twink at the sex club who gets fucked by half a dozen faceless men in the space of twenty minutes. I even had the balls once to send a letter of disgust to AIDS Care Resource in Miami, known far and wide for its noble mission, where I berated it for accepting proceeds, which I realize are a large part of its funding, from the White Party which is notorious for drugs and unsafe sex. A social worker buddy of mine, who worked for AIDS Care Resource and had to cover the party as part of his job, told me how the white stuff was as plentiful as dog shit on a side walk. Couldn’t the organization sponsor something constructive like a gay marathon or run or the Gay Rodeo, I suggested? I never did get even a politically vapid response from its executive director, like the ones I used to write when I was in the PR business. Sure, support the White Party, fuck like a bunny in exchange for your overpriced ticket, and, oh, by the way, if you come down with you- know-what as a consequence, we’ll take care of you. One big sexual merry-go-round.

That same social worker buddy also confided in me his frustration with some of his clients who felt the benefits bestowed on them for fucking around (some of which we support as tax payers) were their God given right, or who weren’t compliant with their meds or medical regimens. I also get personally pissed that some of these guys bulk up, thanks to illegal steroids you can buy right off the web, and end up looking like brick shit houses. Yet, they still collect SSI Disability and get rent subsidies because they’re not well enough to go back to work at a legitimate job. Huh??

Even testing is bullshit. How many promiscuous guys out there, tops and bottoms, lie about their status because they want to bareback? Or a guy lists on his profile he was tested last month and he’s as clean as the Mother Superior of the local nunnery. So? And from that day to the time he wants to fuck you BB-style, he played with Typhoid Marvin. Testing results are meaningless unless you can get them a moment before he sticks it in you. Playing it safe every time is the only way.

Today, South Florida has the highest HIV infection rate in the country. Yet, bottom line, like polio, a disease relegated to the medical history books, AIDS among gays under 35 should have been virtually non-existent. If we want respect from others, we need to begin respecting ourselves by being responsible. Or accepting the responsibility if we choose not to be.

Only, enough with the damn drama already, O.K.?

5 comments

  1. Angel · June 16, 2012

    Str8 gay man, huh? Seems like internal homophobia.

    • str8gayconfessions · June 16, 2012

      I don’t know where you get homophobia – it’s people acting responsibly and taking responsibility for their own actions; if you mean I’m against faggots who are stupid and then expect society to save them, then you’re right.

      • Angel · June 16, 2012

        I don’t understand where the hostility is coming from. Everyone makes mistakes, some worse than others, so why so much contempt?

        I’ve been reading this blog for quite some time now, and I’m intrigued by the number of views I’ve opposed, and if you ever have time, I’d like to discuss them further, assuming you’d be willing to do so.

        Thanks

  2. Jonathan Hill · June 17, 2012

    It means that for all intents and purposes, to the world at large he appears ‘straight’, but he loves the boys….

    And I agree with him…said it before on another post like this. These fools run around with their head and a bunch of dicks up their ass, and when they get infected its everyone else’s fault but theirs, although the permanent hand prints around their ankles say otherwise. We all know the risks, so if you want to feel bad for them fine but just remember society still sees it as a gay ‘issue’ and believe all of us act like they do…

    • Angel · June 17, 2012

      I was merely pointing out that the whole “straight” identity is internally homophobic and very exacerbated by the gay community. In reality, it can be and is often quite damaging to everyone as a whole, gay or straight.

      As Raja, Drag Race winner Season 3 once said (concerning the younger generations), “They don’t know they’re allowed to go against the grain, it’s ok to say fuck you, and do what you love to do.”, however, reinforcing the “straight” identity on the rest of our community places ourselves on a double standard.

      I’m more than willing to bet that this “straight” phenomena has had an influential factor on the rate of gay youth suicide that’s been occurring in America as of late, much less the rest of the world.

      While there is a lot of external heat that we’ve been dealing with for years in the struggle for gay rights, but there are just as many problems to be addressed in within gay culture itself, this being one of them.

      And of course I do, compassion’s a human trait after all 😉

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