Early into my Hook-up Sites career, I learned pretty quickly that there are basically four “positions” guys take: total top (they only want to fuck, two sucks of their cock and then in it goes); total bottom (they only want to get fucked, get the top hard with a three minute blow job and then up go the legs); versatile bottom (bottoms who fuck if they really get turned on – or have to) and versatile tops. Now while I love sucking dick and eating ass, I’m basically a total top when it comes to fucking which I acknowledge has limited my possibilities. Hell, eight out of ten of the hot guys who look at my profile on line are tops. We’re like two lids looking for a pot. And few succumbed to my pleas, “But I’m a great cocksucker ..”
So, I’ve decided this summer I’m going versatile. But as someone who’s never been fucked (well, one guy with a nine incher tried when I was 22, hence my fuckaphobia ever since), I know I just can’t dive into it or, shall I say, on it.
I certainly was tempted to the last few times I and Todd of “The Two Most Sensual Hours of My Life with the Sexiest Guy I’ve Ever Known” fame made it. After all, it was a perfect time to do it. We were both slamming, on Cloud 27 in the Arousal Department, he self-effacingly admitted he had the perfect starter dick, all five inches tops hard, and we were both in lust with one another. But even then (a) Todd was more flaccid than fuck-ready and (b)my super tight virgin hole hurt when he tried, Tina or no Tina.
So, that Saturday I visited our local sex shop, the size of the men’s department in Walmart – I live in Lauderdale, remember? – and went straight to the “Toys” aisle. I had already gotten familiar with what was out there by checking out the online sex stores that contributed to the revenues of my favorite hook –up sites, especially Fort Troff which, with its product demo videos, was a porn site unto itself. (The rim seat video is my favorite.)
And I was also ready for the sticker shock when it came to the prices. Forty nine dollars for a vibrating dildo, $89 for one you could inflate. I quickly got discouraged – what if the toy was a dud for me? – til I practically stumbled on the “bargain – close out” table where for just the price of a beer in the Ramroad on a Saturday night, I could buy a few toys of varying sizes to test the waters or, I should say, my sweet, furry but, sadly, virgin butt hole.
Putting both grading papers and cruising online on hold for the rest of the afternoon, I got comfortable in my bedroom with my new found friends and some lube, determined to deflower myself and see what all the fuss was about. Even when I was getting bored plowing some guy, he was – or seemed to be – in estacy, moaning on and on, “Oh, Daddy deeper, deeper ..”
For the next two hours, I tried sticking my toys, one a pencil thin six incher, the other, a seven incher of progressively thicker girth, up my hole with varying and not so pleasurable results. The thin one went in real easy but generated no more than a stuffed feeling; the other, more challenging pretend dick I was able to get in there three quarters of the way after I smeared some powdered smack I had left over from my first date with Todd in and around my sphincter, figuring it would relax me. It did, but all I felt was like I needed to take a hot shit.
Ah, but the summer’s young and if I and Todd ever make it again, I know after pumping him for a while, he’s gonna want to flip, and if I’m not ready to accommodate his under-endowed tool, I may just be relegated to a life as a total top.
I know, I know. What a waste of a cute furry butt.
Tomorrow: When Are We Gonna Get S and M Tough on Gun Control? and: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, the LTR Merry-go-round.