High Maintenance or Gas Guzzler: It’s your Bod, Bud

While, of course, there are healthy side benefits to improving your self-image, you know and I know that looking pretty in this Life is a key to sexual success, that is, if that’s all you want.

If you’re honestly concerned about those “few extra pounds” (I love that euphemistic phrase in the web profiles) for health’s sake if nothing else, don’t wait until you look like you lived in a refrigerator. A lot of guys are hiding behind today’s new definition of “bear” (in my day, bear meant humpy and hairy, not fat) to avoid dealing with their obvious unhealthy obesity – so they enable one another by sticking together.   Or when I see some grossly obese man or woman driven by their doctor to the gym going half a mile an hour on the treadmill, I want to stick my foot up their ass and yell, “Move it!”

Once at my local L.A. Fitness, I watched as Mr. and Mrs. Pillsbury Dough Boy, apparently newbies to the whole healthy lifestyle scene, tried their best to keep up with their hot male trainer. On their own, it was time to hit the treadmills for some cardio but did they roll themselves up the one short flight of stairs to the second level? No, they took the elevator!

How the hell do they expect to lose all that baby fat?

Forget diet plan mumbo-jumbo. As far as I’m concerned, the Jennie Craigs and Nurtrasystems out there are crutches for weak people who can’t pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. It all comes down to two simple things: you gotta eat less and gotta exercise more.

When it comes to food, living solo makes it easier because then you are the master of your own kitchen. (Live with a partner or family that makes love to food? Get yourself your own frig.) Stick to microwave dinners; it doesn’t really matter what brand. What counts are the calories and fat content. Get used to low-fat salad dressings, skim milk, sugar-free ice pops for that sweet tooth, non-sugary grain cereals. The only thing I would advise against is low fat mayo –ugh! There’s no magic bullet (crash diets don’t work), but each of these tricks combined can make a difference and bring a smile to your face the next time you step on the scale.

Now, when it comes to me and exercise, I never really worked out in my twenties (career building was too important), but when I saw I was getting chubby after I turned 30, I decided to take the bull by the horns. First with a Nordic track, then weights, and later with a Bow Flex (Challenging, yes, but expensive and clunky. You need a house or Manhattan style loft to accommodate it, and don’t believe the ads that you’re going to get those luscious bodies in just 15 minutes a day).

I’ve only been going steady to a gym (three or four times a week) the last eight years, but still use the Blow Flex for a quick pump-up between gym days just before I go out on the town. What I like to call my special effects session.

Sure, a gym can have social and, yes, even sexual benefits (steam rooms can be fun) depending, of course, on its degree of gay clientele. But if your work schedule or wallet can’t handle an L.A. Fitness, and you don’t live in a warehouse to accommodate all that fancy exercise equipment, set yourself up with what I like to call the poor man’s gym: a pair of those power push-ups, surprisingly effective for quick upper body build-ups, a couple of 25 or 40 pound dumbbells for arm and shoulder exercises and, if you got at least one spare corner, an ab lounge (yes, it works) or some other gimmicky hardware to, at least, get closer to achieving that wet dream six pack.

What’s especially great about the poor man’s gym is you can work-out watching TV, or between household chores, or even between fucks. It’s great for the libido and the pecker to KNOW you look hot.

If you need leg work and can’t get to a treadmill, carve out some time for running, or just start trotting up those ten flights of stairs to your office or apartment, or get off two stops before you should and WALK.

And if you’re a smoker, stop NOW. Hell, my other wise petite baby sister who’s smoked all her life couldn’t even get up a flight of stairs on my last visit to see her without huffing and puffing. All I could think was what the fuck she was going to be like when she’s really old. She soon after underwent drastic vascular surgery to restore the circulation in her legs, the result of her nicotine addiction which she finally gave up.

Believe me, guys, using a handful of muscle toys half an hour a day plus watching your diet can make you look delectable to the boys and even turn a few jaded heads the next time you stroll into your local watering hole.

While personality, intelligence all mean something, in this life isn’t it still all about the Bod? I ain’t seen a dick twitch yet talking about world peace or Domino pizzas.

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