No, guys, I ain’t gonna get you all hot and bothered with some dirty talk here. But lately, when I’ve frequented some of Lauderdale’s sexual haunts, the cocksuckers I’ve encountered have been, well, underwhelming. In fact, one night, after an exhausting merry-go-round of trying to find just one good man who knew how to give one good blow job, I asked the manager if he could run that instructional tape on the big 52 inch flat screen above the suck den so the boys would get the hint. What is it about these out of-town tourists? Have they not had enough practice like us urban queers to know what to do with a hard tool when it hits them square in the face?
A bi-friend of mine, who had to practically bribe his wife with three new credit cards to kiss his dick, affirmed what we gay boys knew all along: that nobody, I mean nobody, knows how to suck dick like a gay guy. Yet, some guys just give it a kiss or a peck like they were on some cock –lite diet? Huh?
It brings to mind the time a fuck buddy and I were doing a threesome with some Scottish guy at the efficiency apartment that Mr. Out-of-Towner had rented for three weeks in Hollywood (Florida that is). FB was fucking the shit out of him while I had my tool flying high in front of the guy’s mouth. Now, neither FB nor I sport sausage sandwiches, but we do have respectable above-average tools and haven’t gotten any complaints yet. Only, the guy was barely scratching the surface you might say with mine, that is, until FB, frustrated and distracted by Scottie’s timid moves, shoved the back of his head onto my cock and growled, “swallow the fuckin’ thing already – that’s what it’s there for!”
So why do some of us get “F’s,” no pun intended, in the fellatio department?
- Maybe we’re afraid we’ll catch something. Possible, though more likely good old fashioned syph or gon not Big A. But either you suck cock or you don’t. (Hand jobs don’t count.)
- Maybe we’re in such awe of it that we’re blown away by its majesty (sure).
- Maybe we feel intimidated because the Gay God gave the guy three inches more than we’ve got between our legs (maybe).
- Maybe the fucken thing is the size of flashlight (no, not a fleshlight) and we’re afraid we’d heave up that $25. Veal Parm dinner we just had at one of those restaurants on the gay strip if we tried to swallow it whole. (Believe it or not, it has less to do with size than how it’s curved. Trust me. And a true, seasoned cocksucker is usually NOT a size queen – you want to enjoy it, not gag on it. Six, six and half to maybe about eight inches is just fine, thank you very much.)
- Or could it be just lack of experience, you know something that separates those shy backwoods boys who get it in a blue moon from us urban whores who get antsy if we haven’t had it for 48 hours.
All I know, guys, if you’re planning a trip to some gay hotbed, or just get lucky where you are, get yourself some good old cocksucking porn and learn from the pros, or start practicing on bananas. After all, you waited all week, or all year, to get a hard cock in your mouth. So why shouldn’t you and he enjoy that Kodak moment?
I won’t even get into swallowing the love juice here – let’s take baby steps first, please.
Tomorrow: Second Hand Sex