Now that the world hasn’t come to an end – shit! – I was looking forward to being in Gay Hell with all my fellow gay pigs – here is my newest set of gay predictions for the rest of this decade:
Carpal tunnel syndrome will become the leading medical condition among young gays addicted to their smartphones and Grindr.
There will be an increase in brain tumors and tumors of the ear among gay boys for the same reasons as above.
With sports gear the new butch look among the young and leather dying a slow death, Dicks and Sports Authority will begin hosting tables at the annual gay pride parades while the leather shops will be bought up, one by one, by a national pet grooming chain taking advantage of their proximity to pet-loving gay ghettos.
The STD rate will drop dramatically as more and more guys get their kicks virtually off the web rather than in the flesh.
The hottest selling tech toy among gays will be “toy boy” holograms of hot guys, including some celeb look-alikes, that will allow you the closest thing to having sex with them for real. Streaming of porn and sales of porn icon Stryker dildos will take a nosedive. Rentboys will be skipping their meth for a few weeks to save enough dough to get a self-hologram made so they can rent themselves out virtually while they double-dip fucking for real.
There will be a shitload of aging gay “boys” who partied the last thirty years away and suddenly woke up to the fact that they can no longer get by on their looks and have shit who will be occupying park benches, cardboard boxes and disabled bathroom stalls to the point enterprising gay ghettos and stores like Homo Depot and Targees will begin installing pay-by-the-hour meters to take advantage of the situation. The stocks for International Paper, pretty stagnant up to now, will soar and the company will introduce a new insulated box perfect for those below zero Midwest winters.
With gay marriage now legal everywhere, enterprising sex toy manufacturers will be promoting diamond studded cock-rings and his and his vibrators.
As younger gays go retro-fem, somebody, like RuPaul maybe, will create an online course on “Swishing It Up” for butch guys afraid they’ll soon be left out.
Increasingly reclusive web addicts and jaded leather men bored with cucumbers up their ass will start looking at their pets kinda funny. Before long there will be dozens of videos on Xtube.com when you search for “fucking a dog,” adding a completely new meaning to the phrase “doing it doggy-style.” Those chi-chi toy breeds so popular with gay guys will disappear in favor of big, unspayed male wolf-like mutts with big dongs and big balls.
Hey, ain’t kink always in fashion?
Happy New Year guys!