My 2020 Predictions for Gay Life

There will no such animal as an exclusively gay bar. Most straight bars will remain straight but most gay bars will be mixed or “blended” and we will return to the guessing game days when it was hard to know who was who. Most bars will have as many straight women as gay men that you’d swear you were in a straight bar.

Carpal tunnel syndrome will become the leading medical condition among young gays addicted to their smartphones and all those hook-up apps.

There will be an increase in brain tumors and tumors of the ear among gay boys for the same reasons as above. Earplugitis will spread quicker than the bubonic plague.

Social networking will have taken over the hook-up web sites to the point there will be a special category for those interested in exchanging favorite holiday recipes while in a sling.

With sports gear the new butch look among the young and leather dying a slow death, sporting good chains like Dicks and Sports Authority will begin hosting tables at the annual gay pride parades while the leather shops will be bought up, one by one, by a national pet grooming chain taking advantage of their proximity to pet-loving gay ghettos.

In fact, the whole leather scene will be relegated to a wing in the Smithsonian, and all those surplus or thrift store vests and chaps and harnesses will be shipped to Vietnam to make smart Prada purses for the Rodeo Drive elite.

The STD rate will drop dramatically as more and more guys get their kicks virtually off the web rather than in the flesh.

The hottest selling tech toy among gays will be “toy boy” holograms of hot guys, including some celeb look-alikes, that will allow you the closest thing to having sex with them for real. Streaming of porn and sales of porn icon Stryker dildos will take a nosedive. Rentboys will be skipping their meth for a few weeks to save enough dough to get a self-hologram made so they can rent themselves out virtually while they double-dip fucking for real.

There will be a shitload of aging gay “boys” who partied the last thirty years away and suddenly woke up to the fact that they can no longer get by on their looks and have shit who will be occupying park benches, cardboard boxes and disabled bathroom stalls to the point enterprising gay ghettos and stores like Homo Depot and Targees will begin installing pay-by-the-hour meters to take advantage of the situation. The stocks for International Paper, pretty stagnant up to now, will soar and the company will introduce a new insulated box, perfect for those below zero Midwest winters.

With gay marriage now legal everywhere, enterprising sex toy manufacturers will be promoting diamond studded cock-rings and his and his vibrators as wedding favors, while a shitload of lawyers capitalize on gay divorces. (They already are.)

As younger gays go retro-fem, RuPaul will create an online course on “Swishing It Up” for butch guys afraid they’ll soon be left out. You’ll even be able to follow it on your phone when you sneak into the gym and play butch.

Increasingly reclusive web addicts and jaded leather men bored with cucumbers up their ass will start looking at their pets kinda funny. Before long there will be dozens of videos on xtube.com when you search for “fucking a dog,” adding a completely new meaning to the phrase “doing it doggy-style.” Those chi-chi toy breeds so popular with gay guys will disappear in favor of big, unspayed male wolf-like mutts with big dongs and big balls.

Hey, ain’t kink always in fashion?

2 comments

  1. Randy Clark · January 1, 2014

    Hey, just wanted to let you know that I’m one of what I hope is a shitload of STR8 gay lurkers who read and appreciate your blog, even if we don’t articulate it much of the time. On the first day of 2014, I just wanted to say thank you. I’m probably the poster boy for the type of man you talk about. Still remember the time back in the late 70’s that I saw another boy get an erection while changing in the locker room for 6th grade gym class, and being rigid with arousal myself, not fully understanding, but somehow feeling that I was different. Getting married not because I wanted to, but because I was led to believe it was the mature and responsible thing to do. Living an 18-year lie, cheating on every girlfriend and my wife, and having sex inside and outside of marriage. Finally divorced and being able to breathe, even if I’m not totally out, and uncertain of what the future holds, even if I did everything else “right”.

    I miss the gay bars as places I could go and be with other gay and bi guys, without women, women’s “bachelor’s parties”, and straights who invade the gay bars to dance or whatever, for reasons I still don’t fully understand. Women just totally change the dynamic of a gay bar, and I find it impossible to relax when they, and especially their boyfriends invade.

    In some ways, I miss the days before the Internet when gyms, restrooms, parks, bowling alleys, and adult bookstores and theaters were the places you went to hook up. Even if it was less certain, it was human interaction and recognition. Bodies. Erections. My dentist. Coaches. Businessmen I knew. Guys from church. There was a certain comfort in knowing we were all in the game, even if we weren’t playing it with each other. These days, on the internet, guys seem less interested in having sex with you than knowing that you would, if you were close enough, or if you could host, or… whatever…

    Anyway, just a few less than lucid but thankful musings from an appreciative guy in the cold climate. Hope to be down your way in February, just to catch a break. Happy New Year.

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