Are You Sexually Racist?

That’s what one article from a pop blogsite claims many of us are on the web and, as a hook-up site junkie, I have to agree. Too many guys in their profiles say what they don’t want,( “No Martians, purpled eyed pigmies guys with dicks less than one inch, or anyone over 18”), rather than simply stating, “I prefer hairy dwarfs, guys 7 feet 8 inches tall, without heels, and tough boys with a picture of their mother tattooed on their dick.”

But don’t get so particular that even God wouldn’t qualify. You do want sex in this lifetime, don’t you?

Or a few are just plain assholes.

They say they detest drama queens then go on for ten paragraphs about all their dislikes in men (Hey, I just wanna fuck you, not psycho-analyze you.)

Or: “Dick picture” was the two word message I got from some homely twink on Growl’r. Then you wonder why I prefer guys over 40.

Or from a guy who purported to be bi: “Fags deserve to be boiled in oil.” Ok buddy, you wanna be the bottom in that S and M scenario? (block)

But … (you know my buts my now, don’t you?) …

Guys should not be allowed to post a profile without some kind of picture of themselves. If you work for the FBI or are wanted by them, a tasteful swimsuit shot will suffice. But hey, we’re not getting together to play bingo or swap holiday recipes. There is such a thing known as arousal. My simple response to long winded, come hitcher e-mails from pictureless guys who tell me in graphic detail what they would like me to do to them is: “no pic – no dick.”

Hitting up somebody you don’t know is a cold call which, by its nature, does not demand an auto-response if the guy you hit up just doesn’t want you. I find a simple appreciative “thanks” to a “you’re hot” is fine though there’s always the danger the guy may misread this to mean you’re interested. Hell, if I hit somebody I’d whip my Visa card out for once or twice and I get a wimpy response like “Thanks, but I gotta go and feed my goldfish now” or no response at all, I MOVE ON. Remember, in this life you need the ego of an elastic band. Just because you want him or think you’re his type doesn’t mean you are – even if his profile says so.

And finally, none of us are equal opportunity employers in the bedroom. If a guy who hits me up isn’t what I’m looking for for any reason, hey that’s my prerogative.

Don’t ask me, “but why not?”

Well, ‘cause, like I say in my profile (you did graduate third grade and can read, right?) I prefer 7 feet eight inch Martians with fur on only one of their ass cheeks – the left one – that’s why.

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