All right, you’ve finally had it with all the shit in the bars and the baths and you’ve decided it’s time to put your dick or ass on the line, deal with the humiliation, and post a web profile on an eclectic site like Manhunt, or the butcher ones like Daddyhunt or Bear411. Or even one of the exclusive phone apps like Growl’r. After all, isn’t that where most guys are finding Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now nowadays?
Well, as a suck buddy friend of mine up in PA where I have a summer home who’s a New York theatrical agent put it, view your profile as your audition. You usually just got one shot to make it right with the guy who catches your stuff. Our judgment calls, like a lot of things in life, are instantaneous.
So, based on my years of experience as a website addict, what works or doesn’t work, at least for me?
Directness and brevity. You tell me who you are (a jock? fine, makes you sound hotter; professional? I’m impressed, shows you aren’t an airhead who can only gush on about the latest pop icon), you give your stats, or at least those you think you can get away with, height, weight, age, cock size optional; and say what you’re looking for in another guy, including what you’re into in bed. Period. End of story.
Pics that mean something. If not a face and shirtless upper bod shot ( O.K., I understand, you either work for, or are wanted by the FBI), at least an upper bod pic. Hey, we’re not meeting to play bingo. And if you ask me to choose between a face shot and a bod shot, I’ll take the bod shot anytime. Some of the homeliest guys can have glorious bods and make great lovers. And please don’t use the lame excuse, “I have nobody to take my pictures …” If you got a smartphone, you can take pics of yourself on the “portrait” mode with a timer. Or get a cheap digital camera with a timer for under a hundred bucks. Either way, you can shoot away in the privacy of your own exhibitionistic bedroom til you get the pics that give you a hard-on and hopefully will do the same for your would-be suitors.
Now for what doesn’t work, for me at least:
Ego-rich Screen Names. I love these ballsy guys with screen names like “Handsome Guy” or “Good Catch” or “Hot Man.” According to who? These hangers are subjective at best, pretentious at worse. Hey, I know it’s all in the eyes of the beholder, but I saw “Handsome Guy” on the beach one day, up front and personal, and I’m sorry, folks, he has a face only a mother could love.
And then there’s the tired, sagging, haggard, gray haired “Daddy’s Boy” or “Hot Bear Cub.” Sure. Buddy, I’m not talking about age here, but if you wanna pass for junior, you better at least look the part.
Unreal Expectations. Like those washed out 59 year old guys who want only a twenty something to come over to their place so they can fuck ‘em. Sure, the youngen spends his gas to go over and fuck your sorry ass. Or there’s some 39 year old being emphatic about “no guys over 40.” Buddy, you’ll be there some day yourself. Real soon. Isn’t it nicer just to say, “seeking younger than me” or “guys 25-35”?
Guys also always seem to say what they want in Mr. Perfect – young, tall, bodied, hung – but have they looked in the mirror on what they’re bringing to the bedroom? Like, have you asked, what do I, the recipient of your love note, want?
Diarrhea of the fingertips. Profiles that go on and on and on about hobbies, past loves, terrific current partners (who apparently can’t be that terrif if you’re huntin’) or, spare me, Harry, retro ‘60’s , pseudo-hippy philosophical or spiritual views on life. Who gives a fuck what you think about Buddhism? Or your soppy poetry? Especially when all your pics are ass shots.
Pushiness. “Seeking LTR.” Huh? Even if I were, too, I need to, at least, see your dick first, right? O.K., if you don’t want to sound like a complete whore like me (“into hook-ups only”), then say nothing.
On the other side of the gay cyber rainbow are the “I want it now” boys. and only now. Like I’m going to drop everything at 2 a.m. or 10 a.m., put my life on hold, take a shower, use the last of my mouthwash and Viagra, so I can travel in MY car using MY gas to screw YOU for fifteen minutes before YOU kick me out. Sure.
Evasiveness: “Just looking for friends” or “Found the love of my life – just here to chat.” If you’re somewhere in the middle of North Dakota, and the nearest gay guy is 57 miles away, maybe I can buy that. But if you’re “just looking for friends” and your profile is accompanied by a hard dick or rosebud close-up, cut the shit – either you’re looking for a virtual fuck buddy, a friend with benefits, or you’re using the web as a screen. I’m also sure if the guy extending the olive branch of friendship was commutable and a hottie, you’d ditch your partner in the nearest abandoned refrigerator or skip your mother’s funeral to get him in bed. If you’re truly looking for friends, you should be dressed in a tasteful polo, buttoned up to your chin, and if partners, the two of you should be together with Fido on your lap posing for that holiday shot with Santa.
But if you really believe guys bare their soul and their asses with their ONLY intent to make friends, I’ve got some stretched out, vintage ‘80’s jockstraps to sell you. (Actually, they’re kinda hot.)
Pics that mean shit, like:
Ass or dick shots only: Listen I ain’t saying the equipment doesn’t count, but if I’m going to go through the trouble of coordinating a time and a place, I’d like to know who I’m doing it with. Otherwise, I can drop in at my local sex club and get blown in the dark.
No pics at all. You mean you’re going to pay me?
Family Albums: Who gives a shit about your Yorkies or what you looked like at your Confirmation or when you were 25? As if misrepresentation and deceit weren’t enough, some draw attention to the fact that years have gone by posting one pic when they were a hot 25 or 35 and then a pic as they are today, 10 or even 20 years later. Who am I doing it with? The topper: one guy posted his Boy Scout pic!
When I questioned a guy on his out-of-date photos (he posted one pic he himself captioned “2000,” another, gray haired and wrinkled, which he admitted was already three years old), he called me a “rude fuck.”
Or when all a guy’s got is a face shot wearing a cowboy hat or baseball cap and you ask for some shirtless body shots, he pleads the fifth. (Maybe because he’s a blubberboy from the neck down?) Again, buy a cheap digital camera or use your cell. Sorry, I’m not interested in your calorie-rich holiday recipes.
Pics taken on the other side of a Walmart parking lot.
Crazy costume or weird face shots. You looking like a jerk is supposed to get me excited?
And once you’re done, and have your profiles up and running, just remember, in the end, it all still comes down to luck, timing, and hormones.
But you knew that all along, didn’t you?