1. Guys who play with their ipods for fifteen minutes sitting on a machine I wanna get on.
2. Guys who play with their smartphones checking who knows what (a Growl’r date or real estate deal) for fifteen minutes sitting on a machine I wanna get on.
3. Old fucks ordered by their doctors to go to the gym or dig a hole, put out their lawn chair and wait, who decide to take their afternoon naps – eyes open – sitting on a machine I wanna get on.
4. Young fucks, often the steroided variety, who grunt and moan like somebody was twisting their balls and when you go over to the machine they were just on, it’s set at 20 pounds. My dead mother could do better.
5. Guys who stare at themselves ( or some prospective trick) in the mirrors longer than they do reps.
6. Guys who decide to chat about every minute of their last RSVP cruise with their buddy while sitting on a machine I wanna get on.
7. Machines “out of order” for more than a week.
8. Gyms like mine that haven’t replaced equipment since the first Clinton was President.
9. Guys who are there to be seen, not sweat. And finally:
10. Coming at the wrong time – either when nobody’s there and there’s no energy flowing or when everybody’s there and you can’t get on shit.
It’s a bitch trying to look good, ain’t it?