Just about every major town has its weekly gay bar guide. Here in Fort Lauderdale we’re blessed with three, including one bilingual in English and Spanish. Now being a man about town and more knowledgeable then I’d like to admit about Lauderdale’s high and low spots in gaydom, I always get a chuckle out of how totally different an ad for a dive is from its reality.
Take Scandals, our western bar, which did whooper business this past weekend with the rodeo in town. Its luscious ads this week sported shirtless, well -muscled guys with their cowboy hats pulled down low in delectable come hither style not unlike the hot cowboy singers on this past Sunday’s Academy of Music Awards show.
But what did I find Saturday night in the wall-to- wall packed place? Sure some hunky fucks, but at least half the crowd was ancient – and I can say it because I’m old too – ancient like in “next stop – the Depends aisle.” (Typical conversation at 10 pm: “Com’on Harry, it’s time to go to bed.”) Not exactly the finger lickin’ good guys promised in their ads.
Or the ads for the local bath houses. Again, luring hot thirty something men with only a towel between themselves and Michaelangelo nakedness grace their ads. So how come most times I’ve gone, the places look like God’s waiting room and saying that is an insult to God. Buddy, just because you took your dollar generic Viagra and your cock is as hard as an iron pipe means shit to me, at least, if the rest of you is held together with crazy glue. If I get that old and get caught in a bath house with my walker, please, one silver bullet to the forehead. For what some of these guys spend on rooms, it would be more economical to just buy the rent boy of your choice a couple of times a month.
Could this be the reason one of the whorehouses, realizing the demographics it relied on for the past twenty years are fading fast and the youngens are home on their phone or laptop, high on meth, has decided to offer FREE memberships and lockers to under 24 year olds?
Mark my words: if these places don’t change their business strategies real quick, in five years, there are gonna be a few more 7-11’s.
BTW, this same place is going smoke-free (This is Florida, guys, where anything goes, not tight-assed, health-conscious NYC). Good Luck, Charlie, in this chain smokin’ town.