Lying: A Unique Gay Art

Some recent research revealed that people lie in about twenty percent of their social conversations.
No shit! Did they actually spend money to arrive at that conclusion? And only twenty percent? Hell, these researchers need to spend more time in a gay bar or online on a hook-up site or phone app.

Either 15 minutes before or after they were supposed to be in your bed, and after that “clean as a whistle” shower you really didn’t need, or worse, after that 50 mg. of Viagra meal so you would be up and at it, your love of the day, afternoon, morning, whatever, comes up with one of these “sorry – can’t make it” excuses:

“My very closest childhood friend just took ill,” or “A close friend of mine in (fill in the city at least a thousand miles way) suddenly died.” I was in the bathhouses the week my father was laid out, so you’re talking to the wrong person.

“My boss just called. I have to go into work.” You mean you have one of those low end minimum wage jobs where you can’t even predict your schedule an hour in advance?

“I got hurt today at the gym.” You mean you got hurt earlier that afternoon by a fuck gone bad. You were hanging off the bed when he was plowing you, there was too much lube up your ass, and you slipped off.

“I think I’m coming down with the flu.” (“swine flu,” “bubonic plague,” “Ebola virus” – you fill in the disease of the month). Enough said. That’s why God created Alka-Seltzer.

“I don’t know if I’ll be in the mood for sex when you come.” Excuse me? Are you going through male menopause and you lied about your age in your profile? (Perish the thought!) Or have all those steroids you’ve been taking finally shrunk your nuts to the size of peas?

“Some out-of-town friends just called and they want me to meet them for drinks.” Or if he’s vacationing, “My friends want to go shopping.” You’re passing up dick for chitchat or some new rag?!? Your homo license has just been revoked. What’s the point of being a homosexual if you don’t “homo” when you have opportunity??

“I really dig you but I burned both my hands in an accident last night and I won’t be able to play for a few weeks. But I’ll put you on my buddy list!” What, were you doing coke and grabbed the pipe from your fuck buddy the wrong way? And as far as the buddy list goes, don’t waste the keystrokes – it’s like being put on one of those “abandoned bank accounts” lists.

Then we got a special category of fag fibbing called gay double speak:

“You look great!”

What he really means: “You looked like shit the last time I saw you, and you still do, but since I heard Gig left you, and I can see why, I don’t want to be the person who pushed you into walking in the middle lane of the nearest interstate, so I’ll be upbeat.”

“Gees, you lost weight!”

What he really means: “You don’t look as fat as the last time I saw you, but you still got a ways to go to look as good as me.”

“Boy, you look like you work out a lot.”

What he really means: “I’m envious. I probably spend more time in the gym than you do. So how much juicing up do you do, buddy? Don’t you know it’s gonna pickle your liver?”

You ask when a guy you thought was interested in bedding down wants to connect, and he replies, “Cool!” or if you throw out a strategy, he replies, “Sounds like a plan.”

What he really means: “Shit, I don’t know if I want to make a commitment right now, I mean you look O.K., but
I’m on vacation and I’m really waiting for somebody better, but just in case, let me string you along with some nice, hip, totally evasive response.”

A buddy is getting nowhere with some hottie he’s tricked with three times in a row: “But I really love him!” You reply very empathically: “Well, did you tell him how you feel about him?”

What you want to do is shake him and yell, “Look, all you were was a good fuck – if he wanted more from you, don’t you think he’d say so by now? You’re 45, and look 55, he’s 33 and ready to pose for the cover of Men’s Fitness. Wake up and smell the coffee!”

You’re on the beach and your buddy introduces you to bunch of guys he met in from San Francisco for the weekend. As they leave for their beach blanket, you exchange, “it was nice meeting you.”

What you really want to say to the hottie of the group: “Here’s my cell number. Ditch your friends and let’s fuck.”

Or if none of them stirs your dick, “That’s a relief. I was afraid one of them was gonna make a move on me.”
You’ve fucked around with a guy at the bath house and you both had some fun but it’s too early in the evening to cum so, as he moves on, he says, “Catch you later.”

What he means: “That is, if nothing better comes along because I’m a pig and I want to fuck around with as many guys as I can tonight, but if I still haven’t cum by 2 and you’re still trolling around, well, why not?”

Oh, and our researchers also say people on the other end of these lies only figure out they’re being bullshitted half the time.

Well, any gay boy who’s been a gay boy for more than three weeks and who can’t figure it out quick enough needs to turn in his homo license.

OK, but why do we lie in the first place? Our researchers say women lie to avoid awkward situations, men lie to make themselves sound better than they are, but I think that’s true of both sexes, and certainly gay guys are no exception.

You make a commitment to a guy, then realize it was a mistake or, nasty you, you’ve got something better that just came your way. What’s easier? An excuse the receiver knows is BS but nods all the same, or the truth, “Sorry, I’m a prick but I changed my mind.”

Or you run in to someone who is asking for a compliment he doesn’t deserve or giving you some lofty story about his latest sexploits that you know is crap, is it easier to just nod and agree or say, “Please, bud, cut the shit, been there, done that. If you think you look great, God fucken bless you. Or if you got a young twink on your arm who’s just all over you and you can’t read between the lines, so be it. Just tell it to somebody else.”

So why do we lie?

Because we want people to like us, because we don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings or get into unnecessary confrontations, or don’t want to feel like a shithead when we are.

Why do we lie?

Because we’re human.

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