Ten Ridiculous Things Guys Put in Their Profiles
1. Using a family album of pics from when you were young and pretty to now when you’re old and tired. Who am I doing it with? A hologram of you at 25? If you’re going to create a fraud in your profile, be consistent.
2. Using somebody else’s pics in your profile, (like mine – true story!) Or some celeb’s – dead or alive – or an obvious porn star, complete with Photo Shop touch-ups. If the guy doesn’t look real in his pics, chances it’s not him.
3. Using Manhunt years when giving your age which is fine if you can pull it off in your pics. But if you say you’re 49 and look like my Daddy, either you’re mainlining too much (who’s your dealer?) or you led life in the fast lane.
4. Copping out by answering the profile questions with “ask me.” If I have to ask you how tall you are or how much you weigh or what you like to do in bed, what the fuck is the profile for?
5. Not having a face shot in your profile or at least in your private pics that you can open for a prospective hook-up. Okay, maybe you’re an exec at Exxon or are married with seven kids and a church elder, but if you’re that paranoid, you don’t belong on a hookup site – try something more highbrow like the Personals in Craig’s List where pics aren’t the thing. If I’m patient enough to ask for a face shot and the guy says he ain’t got one in this era of smartphones and selfies, I move on. I ain’t a rentboy doing charity fucks as a tax write-off.
6. Using a Museum of Modern Art/National Geographic cover mosaic of body parts for profile pics. An elbow here, a bicep there, half a butt there, an ear, or cock shot from below. Put all these pics together and you got either Godzilla or a three foot tall, one legged dwarf.
7. Being very insistent that you won’t do it with anyone over 40 and you’re 39. Or looking a very old 50 and demanding only under 25’s. Sure buddy. Maybe the guy in #3 who’s mainlining is your brother.
8. A top guy who has ass shots from every conceivable angle but no dick, or a bottom guy who has a cock that could wrestle a boa constrictor.
9. Guys who look good and come onto you better but never, never, never are available. Hint: they’re neither who they say they are nor look like they say they look.
10. A sixty year old guy who looks seventy who says he wants to be your boi. Give it up or grow up.
11. Guys who go on for three pages on their philosophy on life, human relationships and the universe as if they were vying for the Pulitzer Prize in Best Deep Thinking Hook-up Site Profiles, but don’t talk about superfluous stuff like how old they are, how tall they are, how much they weigh (not how much they weigh in that pic taken in 1999) or what they like in bed.
I know, I said the ten most ridiculous things guys put in their profiles and here I gave you eleven. So I lied. Shoot me (or better yet, shoot on me.)