Sex And Intimacy

Sex And Intimacy

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It’s a fact: Many of us – gay and str8 – either single or who may have partners no longer interested in doing it, are using sex as a substitute for intimacy.

Deep down, though, we know they’re not the same.

Sure, there are the sex addicts who crave the endless attention and are only interested in their personal body count, and the asocial (if there is such a word) who look on guys as necessary evils who just happen to carry the appendages or orifices they desire. For them, the more anonymous the sex, the bigger the turn-on.

But then there are those who have been burnt in relationships where one loved more than the other, who are tired of the emotional roller coaster ride relationships can bring, or who have a significant other who no longer gives us what we need in the way of sex and intimacy but who we stay with for other practical reasons – co-mingled lives, financial realities, or just the desire not to be alone. Yet our need for intimacy remains and so we turn to sex to compensate, since sex, in the end, is easier to find. The more men we have sex with, the more we’re loved, right?

I’m also convinced guys, particularly younger guys, use coke and meth during sex to heighten the experience and put themselves in some state of euphoria so that the guy they just met – and who they may not even be strongly physically attracted to – suddenly becomes the love of their lives.

That is, until the drugs wear off.

The same holds true with the undercurrent of loneliness from all these guys on the cyber hook up sites that hit one another up to either fantasize about having sex, sex laced with words of endearment, sex that conveniently will never happen because thousands of miles separate them, or who just want to shoot the breeze with a fellow brother and feel some kind of connection. And not just guys in the boonies where you would expect it but also guys in some of the largest urban gay meccas where men are as plentiful as cockroaches, who ironically, either by choice or by default, are as isolated as some farmboy in the middle of Nebraska.

We all know technology has killed most bars (and even most bath houses) as cruising grounds where you could look the guy in the eye before you grabbed his crotch. Just count the number of men the next time you’re out who are on their smartphones GPS’ing their latest hottie who is sitting on a toilet seat ten and a half yards away, instead of catching the eye of the guy across the way who wants them. And who maybe, just maybe could change their lives and be more than just a hard dick.

Could it be all that soulful hugging we see in the bars when buddies get together, whether or not sex has been or is in the picture, could all this genuine camaraderie be their way of expressing a kind of man-to-man intimacy they don’t experience much anymore between the sheets?

And yes, too many of us sit alone in the dark by our laptops, content to conduct our social and sexual lives on a screen, where fantasy is better than reality because we can mold our fantasies into just about anything we want, create personas that make us more desirable than we could ever be in life, or have 10 message sexual encounters which are not always all about sucking and fucking but are often intertwined with virtual intimacy. Camming with a guy in Dubai who asks you if you’re a good kisser somehow makes you feel human even if all he and you are are 0’s and 1’s

Maybe it’s a sign of the times, a fall-out of living in such a modern age, that true intimacy between two human beings has been lost when we need it the most.

Yet some of the most satisfying in-the-flesh sexual experiences may have little to do with hard cocks and hairy butts. It’s when the two guys, obviously turned on by one another’s physicality and masculinity, can just lie there silent in one another’s arms and forget for a brief moment the outside world exists.

2 thoughts on “Sex And Intimacy

  1. Mark

    This article has a major talking point. I’m going to toss the sex part aside and just concentrate on the “intimacy”.
    Humans are pack animals. We may do good for short bits as loners, but we crave the interaction of others like us.
    In my 20s I had a “pack” of running buds. Some I worked with, some I raised, and some just gravitated to us. In college, that pack expanded and sometimes became interwoven.
    We partied together, we helped each other out (working on each others’ vehicles, helping repair your friend’s kinfolks house, being a positive influence on their kids), mourned with them, celebrated with them, stood with them against enemies, and helped them rebuild their lives after catastrophe. We swam buck ass; we woke up sharing body heat in the tent on a crisp morning; we shouted at the world; we wrestled. We stood as best men.
    Most found mates (male and female) and started their own “packs”. Some still stay in contact, some don’t, with some we’re trying to reaffirm the bond, but the pack is truly no longer.
    As a qualifying statement, I’m homosexual. But, I defy the stereotypical gay definition.
    I never stepped over the line, no matter how much I wanted to. I valued the trust and love (yep, the pack/brother type) a hellava lot more than I did a screwed up chance at simple sex.
    I have outed myself to a few of them. A few suspected and to some it was a surprise, but all accept me as “me” no matter what. They all gave “major serious hugs”.
    This article may not have been directed towards the idea, but it’s an easy connect.
    Trying to build a new pack in this day and age is not an easy thing.
    I miss my pack.

    Major kudos on this article.

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