My New Year Predictions
Leather bars will become so desperate for customers as the traditional leather crowd continues to age out, they will begin offering 3-for-1 drink specials to twinks and their girlfriends who come in with a leather purse. Doesn’t matter who’s carrying it. Prada or Gucci purses or knockoffs get 4-for-1’s.
Google Glasses will team up with Scruff so that when your phone tells you HE’s 34 yards away, and you spot HIM, you’ll be able to flick a switch and see him totally naked with a hologramed crouch alternating between soft dick and hard cock.
No self-respecting gay man will be without his curved 70 inch HD 3D smart TV so he can watch his porn stars bigger than life. (Why settle for a nine inch dong when you can have a forty inch one?) And online sex toy store Fort Troff will partner with Titan Video to offer an aroma dispenser programmed in sync with the video to automatically emit the smell of crotch, pit, ass crack, piss and cum at the appropriate moment, effective within three feet of the viewer. Vibrating dildo to sit on while you watch all this not included.
In-home tattoo removers will become latest rage when guys who have tattoos on their necks, arms, etc., realize that after they lose their job in the gay ghetto, excessive tattoos (like the one across his forehead, “My Danny’s the Greatest”) just don’t cut it with str8 employers.
A special electro app for your smartphone will zap the appropriate muscles and do the work-out for you when you’re on a particular machine in the gym so you can babble on all you like and still get something out of the hour you spent there besides a bigger data usage bill. It will also zap any guys who are pissed off at you for sitting on a machine they’ve been wanting to get on for the past twenty minutes.
On the subject of the gym, super big neck muscles will become the new look as guys addicted to their phones and bending down all the time to see who loves them on Scruff every ten minutes try to compensate for strained “cell neck syndrome.”
There will be a shitload of aging gay “boys” who partied the last thirty years away and suddenly woke up to the fact that they can no longer get by on their looks and have shit who will be occupying park benches, cardboard boxes and disabled bathroom stalls to the point enterprising gay ghettos and stores like Homo Depot and Targees will begin installing pay-by-the-hour meters to take advantage of the situation. The stocks for International Paper, pretty stagnant up to now, will soar and the company will introduce a new insulated box, perfect for those below zero Midwest winters.
With gay marriage almost legal everywhere, enterprising jewelers will be promoting diamond studded cock-rings, and the sex toy shops will sport his and his vibrators, plus condom dispensers or inflatable dildos as wedding favors. All this while the shitload of lawyers already capitalizing on gay divorces will throw in a weekend in Key West to sweeten the pot. (“Dump one hubby – find another!”)
Things4Fun, an online male sex toy shop, sells what it calls the “Fuck Machine”for $799. Lie on your stomach, get in the right position, and let its dildo attachment do the rest. The toy has been so popular that the company will soon come out with “Fuck Machine II” priced at a $1399. The back will project a 3-D hologram of your favorite type of man (hairy, smooth, muscular, slim) onto the wall behind you (wall not included), and you can watch in a mirror in front of you (mirror not included) as he fucks you silly. He even comes with a dirty talk scenario. Choose from the traditional Daddy/ Son (“Like that Daddy Dick up your boy hole, huh, son?”); Captain/Sailor (You didn’t swab the deck clean, so I’m just gonna have to punish that tight ass of yours, sailor …”); Leather Master/Slave (“That hole’s mine, all mine tonight…”) or Yankee Daddy/Southern Rebel Boy. (“My dick up your sweet boy hole is your punishment for fightin’ on the wrong side, boy…”)
The Russian Mob (leave it to the Russies to be enterprising) will have a new division of hit men exclusively for freeloading twinks married to rich daddies who want to conveniently and quietly have the “old man” disappear for the price of an RSVP cruise and automatically inherit his dough as the guy’s legal spouse. Fees tied to the old man’s tax bracket.
Increasingly reclusive web addicts and jaded leather men bored with cucumbers up their asses will start looking at their pets kinda funny after they mainlined. Before long there will be dozens of videos on xtube.com when you search for “fucking a dog,” adding a completely new meaning to the phrase “doing it doggy-style.” Those chi-chi toy breeds so popular with gay guys will disappear in favor of big, unspayed male wolf-like mutts with big dongs and big balls. And for those who want a threesome, hook-up site ads will start including “canine species preferred for good times.”
Hey, if you’re gonna get high, why get just twisted when you can get REAL twisted?
On a serious note …
Have a safe, healthy and productive 2015!