Hear About the New “Hello Barbie” Doll? Fuck that – I want “Hello Ken”
To reverse its sagging sales – Mattel’s revenue dropped 59% the last quarter of 2014 which should have been its most profitable time with Christmas – and to attract the techno-savvy kids of today, the company is reinventing its flagship toy, Barbie, and made her interactive. The doll works by recording children’s speech with an embedded mike and then sends that info over the Web where it is interpreted as Big Sister Barbie learns each child’s preferences and then comes back with answers to fit the kid.
In a demo, a child told the doll about her interest in dancing; later the kid asks Barbie what she should be when she grows up and Barbie answers, of course, totally non-sexist: “Maybe a dancer? Or a politician? Or maybe a dancing politician?”
The doll ain’t even on the shelves yet but parents are complaining about invasion of privacy, and how this is a sinister way for the company to identify their kid’s interests for marketing purposes. But fuck Barbie and parents. I want a Ken doll that’ll give me advice about my shopworn love life, boost my ego, you know. To chat with Barbie, the kid has to push a button located on Barbie’s belt buckle; I’d put Ken’s on his crotch.
Ray: Hi Ken.
Ken: Hi Ray, how’s tricks?
Ray: Not too good, I feel like box office poison lately.
Ken: Why Ray? You look kinda hot to me, stud.
Ray: I get all these hits on the web but they go nowhere.
Ken: It’s their loss, not yours.
Ray: Yea, but I got all these hot tops who hit me up, see, I’m a top too, but they still wanna fuck me.
Ken: Have you thought of breaking in your butthole with a dildo? You might like it.
Ray: I don’t know.
Ken: Fort Troff is having a sale. Check ‘em out.
Ray: I don’t want to spend any more money. I spent enough on you.
Ken: Wanna use me then? You can use silicone lube – I’m water proof. Check out Condom World – they have plenty of lubes to choose from. Licorce flavor’s my favorite. And there’s an outlet near you. I can pull up Mapquest for directs if you like.
Ray: Wait a minute. What the fuck happens if you get stuck up there? What the fuck do I do then?
Ken: There’s a great gay doctor on Wilton Drive. I’ll even dial him for you – that is if you yell loud enough so my embedded mike hears you while I’m stuck up your ass.
Then all of sudden the “Recharge me” light flashes. So much for Ken. It’s like watching porn on your laptop in bed and just as you’re getting to the good scene and ready to shoot your load, up comes the “Three minutes of power left. Please connect with power source.”