Another Installment of My Gay Advice Column, “Go Ask Daddy”

Another Installment of My Gay Advice Column, “Go Ask Daddy”

Buddy: I haven’t been in a relationship for a while now. Am I doomed to be single forever?

Daddy: Maybe. Things could be a lot worse. Ask my buddy Vinny, handsome, intelligent and permanently paralyzed in the space of one weekend by a rare viral infection.

“Maybe” is a limp dick response and I know one that you don’t wanna hear. But I think we live in the Teflon era of relationships, where that big word “commitment” is not part of most gay men’s vocabulary.

You didn’t say how old you are, but I hate to remind you we are in a hopelessly youth-obsessed sub-culture. Most young tend to go for young unless they want someone to take care of them, and not all, but many over 40 guys, like me, that I find attractive want ‘em young too.

Also a lot rides on where you live. If you’re in the burbs or the boonies, virtual lovers may be all you can hope for. Most long distance in-the-flesh romances (whether the guy’s forty miles away or across the country) are hard to daddy 2 (3)sustain. But don’t envy us city folk. Too many guys to choose from can be just as bad. Like down here in gay vacation destination SoFlo, where the new meat syndrome is epidemic, trying to cultivate a fuck buddy is like going for two root canals in one day, and where everybody is waiting for the next hottie off the next plane. Plus you’ve got all those partnered-up guys just looking for a NSA good time, not a new love.

But, okay, if you’ve sown your oats for the fifteenth time, you’re not the one night stand type of of guy or fuck buddy material, or have had it with the tinsel, liquored up, partied up gay lifestyle shoved down our throats, and seek a quiet, unassuming, yes, even slightly boring relationship with another guy, the brutally hard truth is, before you recite your Santa Claus list of what you want in your man, you need to look at yourself first.

I mean, what are you bringing to the relationship table?

Do you believe in yourself or do you need someone else to keep telling you ain’t a piece of shit?

By the same token, do you show an interest in what’s happening to other people, or is your CD player’s laser reader stuck in the “me, me, me” groove?

Do you think great sex is the be-all and end-all in a long term relationship?

Are you waiting for the unattainable and passed up a dozen would-be suitors because they didn’t have blue eyes? Listen, I’m a hairy guy, in decent shape, who’s into other furry, in-shape guys. So who do I fall in love with? A smooth guy in a wheelchair. Go figure.

Are you financial stable or looking to sponge?

Even if the Gay God didn’t deal you the right deck of genes, do you at least attempt to make yourself look marketable to the kind of guy you wanna attract, and not wear your hair like you did in your freshman year in college or because Adam Levine is sporting that cut, or dress like you were going shopping for mothballs at K-Mart?

Do you have bad habits that may turn a potential paramour off, like chain smoking, 4-for-1, happy hour drinking binges, or snorting half the money you make up your nose?

Are you interesting? Can you carry on a conversation that goes beyond yesterday’s headlines on “Entertainment Tonight?”

Are you cautious about throwing your heart on the altar of love until you get to know the guy and start discerning the real from the BS? Sadly, most of us have to graduate from the Gay School of Hard Knocks before that happens.

(Now forget what I just said if you and/or the guy you want is a Bitchy-as-Betty-Davis, chain-smoking, meth-darting, Beyonce-spouting, Details-magazine-addicted, wanna-get-hurt kind of gay guy. Hey, different strokes for different folks.)

Seriously though, if you do click with a guy, don’t start talking matching diamond-studded cock rings from the get-go. “You know, I’m really searching for someone I can spend the rest of my life with…” – I’m gonna puke – and the two of you haven’t even seen one another’s dicks yet. If the sex sucks, the rest ain’t gonna happen.

If you’re cock-sure you’re going to find Mr. Right on one of those hook-up sites or phone apps, there’s some used condoms I’d like to sell you. Dating sites can be dicey – there are guys who pretend they’re looking for Mr. Right but actually all they want is Mr. Right Now. Or the supposed match-ups are AM and FM; an over 40 successful real estate agent buddy of mine, looking for another mature successful guy, got matched up with a thirty old professional student (still working on his graduate degree in advanced basket weaving.)

Okay, so what the fuck do you do then?

If you can’t bring the horse to the water bring the water to the horse.

Get involved!

Look into activities where the potential for meeting a quality guy is at least possible. Volunteer. Join a club. Become an activist. Get into some kind of jock or nerd activity, maybe one you actually enjoy. Join a men’s chorus. Check out local mixers. Be open to suggested dates from trusted buddies.

But just remember one thing: no matter what happens, self-confidence and self-reliance can be the sexiest part of your persona. Once you know that, you’ll realize that finding Mr. Right be not be the most important thing in your life. And guess what? Bingo! That’s when HE will be smiling at you in the ten items or less aisle at Wal-Mart.

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