Another Installment of My Gay Advice Column, “Go Ask Daddy”
Buddy: We’ve been together almost two years and, well, the sex has gotten boring. Early in the game I started fucking around on the side – safe of course – but the other day my other half found a message from a fuck buddy on my smartphone and went ballistic. We are co-signers on our apartment lease and own Dexter, our dog and have a lot else in common. Should we just split? I love him but I’m getting increasingly frustrated and I know he’s not the type for an open relationship.
Daddy: First you gotta decide whether the relationship is worth saving and that starts with a frank talk with your other half about sex. Is spicing it up the answer? (I would NOT recommend watching “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Fir inspiration) Or is your two libido on FM and his on AM?
If he’s got hoof and mouth disease, and doesn’t wanna talk about sex, (maybe he’s gotta babes-in- waiting and is using your misstep to call it quits), then you either call it a day, deal with the shared monetary commitments, get Dexter knocked up and take one of the pups, and pack your toothbrush and Titan DVD’s …
Or, if there’s stuff worth hanging around for (his bad breath in the morning gives your woodie a woodie) you become a discrete pig.
Now, I do not endorse fucking around on the side, and applaud guys who are truly monogamists. But if you want your cake and eat it too – have somebody to share the bills and argue with as you fuck away – then continue your relationship but screw around smart, stupid!
ALWAYS practice safe sex. ALWAYS Log out on your computer. NEVER leave your smartphone where he can find it. ALWAYS have Mr. X text you, not call you. The web and phone apps were made for philandering partners but often where (you can’t host) and when (only afternoons when you’re at the gym or Saturday mornings when he’s Wal-Mart food shopping) is often problematic. Most web dates want it NOW, not three hours or three days later. Scheduling sex can work but often doesn’t.
So if you can live within your limitations, have a Viagra on me. But when it comes to be more work than play, maybe it’s time to move on. Before you and yours get into entangled merged assets like a home mortgage. Then, fucker, you might as well be married.