“Honk Social Driving” – What the Fuck’s Left?
What comes up on Growl’r the other day then a shout-out for a new free phone app called “Honk Social Driving,” which allows you to “meet men in traffic by inserting their license plate.”
Okay, it’s not enough there are so many hook-up sites, I think there’ll soon be one for guys who only dig uncut Eskimos, or that texting has become more infectious than Ebola. No, now we can lasso our fuck for the night by grabbing his license plate – while driving of course, silly.
So let me get this straight (that wasn’t a pun): My 2009 orange Honda Element has been behind this 2014 white Lexus convertible for about a mile when he and I pull up to the red light at a busy intersection. I casually gawk over and see he’s hot. Fortyish, bearded, tanned and from what I can see of his body from the window up, muscled. Hmmmm… As he makes his move in the turn lane, I memorize his plate and keep repeating it to myself until I can grab my Samsung Galaxy – the light has changed and the cars behind me are already honking – open up the “Honk Social Driving” app and feed in his number. That is, as I’m driving forty miles an hour down the crowded boulevard. It’s rush hour, silly.
So what is “Honk Social Driving” going to tell me about my mysterious, handsome, would be paramour? That he’s 5’9’ and 275 pounds, which means there’s either a lot of muscle from the window crack down or he’s been living in a refrigerator. I flick the “send” icon and keep eyeing for a response Instead, of course, stopping for the next red light which leads to a ten year old plebian Jeep ramming into me.
The next morning I wake up in the hospital to find my left leg in a cast, my car has been totaled, and about the only thing that’s intact is my Samsung, which lies on my bed stand.
With great pain, I stretch over to grab it, forever the curious, and check for messages. And there’s a message, yes, a message from HIM, FU 7777.
“Sorry we’re not a match. I prefer guys who drive Coopers.”