Sex in the Boonies

Sex in the Boonies

Well, l’m up here in Lord’s Valley, PA, thirty miles from Scranton in the northeastern corner of this big state, and, no surprises, hooking up is a challenge. I can empathize with guys in the sticks where bars don’t exist and a potential hook-up is forty seven miles away. Virtual sex and virtual buddies are a necessity which is why l get annoyed with Lauderdale guys who prefer cybersex over the real thing when there are ten guys on every block. (Yea, I know about Hillside Campgrounds in my neck of the woods. A lot of guys have asked me to meet them there. But it’s still a two hour ride from me for an if.)

And because our numbers up here are lean, invariable the same ten guys, nine of which aren’t for me or are half a state away, keep hitting me up summer after summer.

Some other honest observations:

Guys don’t like to show their bodies or even their faces on their profiles, but, Jesus, they should at least be available in their private pics. I mean we’re not getting together to play bingo. Maybe the no-faces l can understand. This is redneck rural America, not an anything goes Gay Ghetto, but when guys don’t even have a shirtless shot, my first response is they’re hiding something.

Not that it’s necessarily unique to the sticks, but too many guys are just plain, well, fat. Maybe because what else is there to do but eat when you’re staring at four feet of snow out your window, that is, if you can see out at all. But some guys are bears ’cause they look like they’ve hibernated all winter – in a refrigerator.

Listen, l know l live in “Endless Summer” Lauderdale where short shorts are your usual mode of dress and looking good for the beach is a given, but if a stocky, rapidly aging guy can keep himself in shape, why can’t guys old enough to be my son? I realize the motivation may just not be there if the chances of connecting for real are as slim as Donald Trump becoming President. (Scratch that.)

Sure, there are hotties who are chubby chasers, but l ain’t one of them. I mean what’s supposed to arouse me? If you don’t care about your appearance – and your health – why should l care about you?

The other thing is distance. I realize in chatting with guys, the GPS systems on some of these sites are all fucked up. Scranton, in the northeast part of PA, which l often have to use as a locale since the site gives me no options, (l’m actually thirty miles away), shows up as being six miles from Philly which is actually more than one hundred miles away.

Yet I also get the feeling some guys either failed eighth grade Geography or are willing to drive hundreds of miles for dick.

But hell, with so many of the out-of-shape str8 guys up here married to manish women, I’m beginning to wonder if latent homosexuality in the boonies is rampant.

God bless America.

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