Are Some Guys Afraid Of – Or Just Don’t Want – Intimacy?
Case in point:
There was this regular fuck buddy of mine who’ll I’ll call Dean. Ruggedly handsome and masculine who at 53 had the body and butt of a twenty five year old, Dean seemed responsible and level headed with a solid, professional job and an upbeat attitude. We played half a dozen times, each time more lustful than the time before, as we became closer to one another both physically and emotionally. On our last encounter, I mentioned to him about having to grab a cab at 5:30 in the morning that Monday for my sinus surgery since I was hesitant to ask anybody I knew to take me at that ungodly hour. To which Dean responded that he would be happy to take me, even pick me up (I had already lined up a friend to do that). “No one should have to go to a hospital for surgery alone in a cab,” said he.
Sounded good to me. Having never had surgery in my life outside of my tonsils out at age four, I was extremely apprehensive about what was coming up since they would be putting me out for two hours. Having someone take me that morning sounded like a God sent.
Well, Dean said he would touch base with me on Sunday, the day before, but when I reached out to him several times by text and voice mail that weekend, I got absolutely no response. My final text message to him was that I was booking the cab, and that Monday morning at 5:15 I took the cab to the hospital for my surgery – alone.
I never heard from Dean again.
So what happened you ask?
Was it that Dean had been in some kind of accident or dropped dead the very weekend I needed him most? Anything’s possible but I think pretty unlikely.
Had he lost his phone? He could have still reached out to me on the website where we first connected or even come to my house.
Or was it that he saw we were getting closer on a number of levels, and he didn’t want it to go any further. That I don’t get either. He knew about my partner and that I wouldn’t leave him, and I thought he understood that we enjoyed one another’s company when we connected, but that was it. In fact, on every occasion, he had initiated the hook-up.
So was it that Dean was one of these guys who don’t want to become too intimate with another guy and who even used the offer of the ride as a modus operandi for shutting us down in such an abrupt and cruel way at a moment when I was at my most vulnerable?
Or was it that he was falling for me but knew he could never have me?
I thought at my advanced age, I had seen it all. And then this happened.
Who the fuck knows why.
What do you think?