My Five Days in New York, Part 2: Playing Tourist, will appear on Friday.
Now Another Installment of My Gay Advice Column, “Go Ask Daddy”
Buddy: l’ve had a roommate since July when l leased a new car and money got a little tight. We’re both gay and get along fairly well but over the course of the last month or so l see he was beginning to show signs that he was interested in me sexually and emotionally. Again, he’s a nice guy, we even go out socially together, but I’m definitely not interested in him that way and politely and diplomatically told him that.
Well, last week things really got out of hand when in the middle of the night he crawled into my bed and tried to blow me. I sleep in the raw. I pushed him off, and yelled for the fiftieth time l wasn’t interested in him in that way. He left and went back to his bedroom and neither of us said anything about the incident the following morning. But now I feel self-conscious and have resorted to wearing underwear in bed. Yet I still feel the vibes from him. Should l just kick him out? Fortunately the lease for the apartment is in my name.
Daddy: Kick him out? Technically, even if you’re both gay, you can have him arrested for attempted sexual assault. Tell him that in no uncertain terms and that he’s got one week to pack up and get out – that’s why God created Craig’s list – and immediately change the locks so only you have the key to get in. If he refuses, slip a couple of bar bouncers a few twenties to politely escort him out. And don’t start feeling sorry for him or fall for any bullshit that he’ll change. You know and l know he won’t. Your other option is to give in and give him the worse sex in his life. Don’t fret. He’ll be gone in a flash.
Ultimate moral of the story: stay within your means so you don’t need a roommate. Or make damn well sure that you’re not your next roommate’s type. And he’s not yours. He’s a blond surfer boy and you like ‘em furry and beefy and his thing are uncut Eskimos.