Just In Time for The Holidays –
Another Installment of My Gay Advice Column, Go Tell Daddy
Buddy: After knowing one another for two years and living together a third, Donald and I got married earlier this year. My parents, who live in another state, couldn’t be happier for us, but Donald’s mother – his father is dead – who lives just ten miles from us, while accepting of his lifestyle, is none too happy with me and makes no bones hiding it. Now it’s the holidays and Donald feels obligated, since he’s an only child and mom’s alone, to invite her for Christmas dinner at our place. My folks plan to visit us after New Year’s. So what do I do without losing my cool with the bitch?
Daddy: Hasn’t Donald quietly read the riot act to Moms about you, or did you marry a Momma’s boy? Or it may be Mom feels lonely about losing her son and any guy (or gal if he were str8) would be the subject of mom’s wrath. If so, here are your options. Fly them by hubby to see which one the both of you can live with:
Agree to celebrate the holidays by you seeing your folks and him seeing Moms. Kinda empty, though, huh? Why bother having another half? You might as well just spend the gift card your folks sent you on the male escort of your (wet) dreams.
Or (strongly suggested by Daddy):
The two of you take Moms out to a nice, upscale restaurant rather than have her over at your place to reduce the risk of any scenes and the overall time you’ll need to spend with her.
Be super polite and if she dares get bitchy, let it go in one ear and out the other. Or better yet, kill her with kindness. It sounds crazy, but she’s an aging female looking for affirmation, so throw her some compliments, however contrived – “Gee, your fuller figure bra looks great on you, Mrs. Stephens.” Who knows, by the end of dinner, she may actually think you’re a nice guy.
But, however it goes, take a little life lesson from my playbook: I’ve found the best way to get through an awkward situation is to imagine it’s not actually happening but that you’re on a movie set and you’re the star and this is just a scene you’re shooting and you’re playing the nice guy. When you pretend it’s all pretend, you’ll find the reality you’re in is just all bullshit anyway.
Now send me that eggnog Fed Ex. And don’t be stingy on the rum, huh?