My Annual New Year’s Predictions
Now that gay marriage is legal everywhere, manufacturers of wedding favors will go hog wild. Low end weddings can choose condoms and dental dams with the couple’s names and wedding date inscribed, while those with more bucks may go for synthetic diamond studded cock rings, PA’s, or nose rings and his and his or hers and hers personal vibrators – batteries not included.
And where there’s marriage, can divorce be far behind? Enterprising attorneys specializing in gay separations and break-ups will get smart, form a coalition, and host a website where you can learn about the divorce laws in your state and chat with a number of attorneys who’ll take on your case.
And if you both love Fido, they’ll be a cloning center so you can both have him – for $20,000.
The STD rate will drop dramatically as more and more guys get their kicks virtually rather than in the flesh.
They’ll be a new vetting phone app to weed out hook-up site game players. It’ll be called “Jezebel” after a 1930’s film starring Bette Davis as a hypocritical southern belle. Enter the screen name of your suspected cad or anyone who’s shown an interest in you or you in him, and up will come the number of times he’s been blocked and on which sites, for what reasons, if noted, the age of the pics he posts, any fraudulent info that may have been uncovered (i.e., age, cock size, waist size and relationship status), how many times he’s been through drug rehab, and the ratio of total hits he receives vs. the number he responds to, often an indicator he’s all bullshit.
Another app will allow you to silently zap some guy in the gym who’s sitting on a piece of equipment you wanna get on while yapping on his phone so he instantly gets the runs and has to trot off to the men’s room.
Carpal tunnel syndrome will become the leading medical condition among young gays addicted to their smartphones and all those hook-up apps.
There will be an increase in brain tumors and tumors of the ear among gay boys for the same reasons as above. Earplugitis will spread quicker than herpes.
GPS driven apps like Scruff and Growl’r will automatically suggest to prospective couples who click while out a place or places within a half mile radius where they can fuck around – or at least compare cocks – discreetly.
With circumcision out of fashion, and older guys finding more and more younger guys uncut, the sales of foreskin restoration kits will go through the roof.
The Kim Davis voodoo doll will be perfect for venting about pain-in-the-asses in your life. Simply write their name on the cross daggers (after all, she is a good, God-fearing Christian girl), included and spear any part of the Kim Davis doll anatomy you feel like. (Her mouth, breasts, crotch, and butt will have pre-drilled holes for ease at stabbing.) It may not solve your problems but hearing the doll scream bloody murder each time you stab it certainly will give you some calm.
Cait Jenner, who’s worth a hundred million dollars, will be funding the Cait Jenner Transgender Surgery Center where guys who wanna be girls and girls who wanna be guys can donate their penises or vaginas to someone who really wants one. Any excess penises lying around and of potentially marketable size will go to the Cait Jenner Penis Transplant Center where poorly endowed guys with bucks can have a second chance at being a stud.
As younger gays go retro-fem, RuPaul will create an online course on “Swishing It Up” for butch guys afraid they’ll soon be left out. Boundjocks.com will also offer a quick on-line “how to play butch” course should one of these youngins be forced to venture into rednecks territory.
A special division of Isis, in an additional capitalistic scheme for raising revenue for its terrorist pursuits, will provide a home grown radicalized hit man exclusively for freeloading twinks married to rich daddies who want to conveniently and quietly have the “old man” disappear for the price of an RSVP cruise and automatically inherit his dough as the guy’s legal spouse. Rich daddies can also use it to dispose of a twink or long-time partner they’ve become bored with. Fees tied to the old man’s tax bracket.
With bestiality the last true sexual frontier, guys who want to have Fido fuck them can order a “Doggie Dong” (small, medium and wicked) from Fort Troff that they strap on their canines. Includes specially created dog treats to keep your doggie distracted while you use him for your own decadent pleasures. But if we’re talking about my other half’s hound, Sammy, no attachment is needed. Shit is that dog hung!
Hey, we’re all overboard on pampering our pooches. It’s time they paid us back!
Happy 2016 – chat with you Monday.