Okay, So Today’s Valentine’s Day…
… and all the gay rags here in Lauderdale, and I’m sure elsewhere, ran story after story of local “true loves.” Now I’m no angel, having been a partnered philanderer for years (hey, he don’t want it anymore and I ain’t ready to hang up my jockstrap), but I know at least three couples profiled that fuck around like bunnies together and solo. How do I know?
I’ve had ‘em.
One profiled couple included one of my doctors who I ran into the other night at the Ramrod, our leather bar. While I chit-chatted with Mr. M.D., his other half, after giving a quick hello kiss, continued negotiating a threesome with some bodybuilder.
Okay, so is love and marriage and recreational sex on the side mutually exclusive? Hell, no! According to some unidentified survey info, again published this week in our gay pubs, 8 out of 10 guys are looking for an LTR (only 41% want to get married), but it seems once they find one, they can’t wait to fuck around again, of course, without letting go of what they have for social, legal and/or financial reasons.
According to my own very unscientific survey based on my sleeping around, I’d guesstimate at least one out of three guys on the web which is where most guys seek non-anonymous sex, are partnered. How do you know? Most of the shit on-line is flirtatious, guys even settled down do it to feel they are still desirable. But the big deal breaker when the two of you sound like you really want to get down and dirty is that neither of you can host (granted, sometimes because your forty something hottie still has four roommates), or the poor guy tells you his other half practically has his chastity belt key around his neck. (My other half lost mine a long time ago when he was walking the dogs.)
Yet those who have their shit together – have a good job, are a professional, or have their own legit business, (dealing meth is not one of them) own their own home or condo, etc. – find it hard to identify a guy of equal quality. And the older you get, no matter how you wail on about wanting an LTR, the less likely you are to compromise and give up your side of the bed.
One of my gym buddies, single, summed it up this way: “Most of the guys in this town are paired off. But that doesn’t mean they still have sex with one another. Hell, one couple I know just got married and they’ve got separate bedrooms!”
So on this Valentine’s Day, when guys are supposed to vow true fidelity to one another, is monogamy just another gay myth?
Now I’m a traditionalist: I define monogamy very strictly. You have sex with one another and only one another, not together with another guy.
And God bless those who can live that gold standard. But I’m fucken tired of the gay fantasy propaganda that depicts two guys in forever monogamous bliss. Or the whole gay marriage movement which implies monogamy is good. And the only way.
So where does all this “till death do us part” monogamous mental attitude come from? A rip-off of str8 society mythology that some of us still think we need to emulate to be truly happy? The gay media that again like this time of year shows beaming young and no-so-young lovers? Gay fiction, the kind my publisher presses me to write, not my rough and ready reality stuff? Gay fantasy? The lesbian component of our grand community since two women tend to be more loyal than two guys? (Like a gay female faculty member when I was teaching college put it, “When two guys get together, it’s sex. When two girls get together, they’re married.”)
I just think those who hold this monogamy sword above our heads as something we should strive for should cut the shit. That’s not what many of us want nor should we need to.
So are people like me really scum, when we “fuck around on the side?” (And I’m not looking for forgiveness or acceptance. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a fuck.) Or are we just looking for transitory physical release, a momentary recreational diversion or ego kick, but recognize we have much more in our relationship? After all, in the end, finding sex is easy. Finding someone on your life wavelength is a miracle.
I’ll be kicking off my “Love Week with Ray” tomorrow with a profile of my other half, how we met and why we’re still together (no, he’ not supporting me, I’m the one with the money); how you CAN love a fuck buddy (or two or three), the difference between intimacy and sex, followed the week after by a serialization of a love story from my “Basic Butch” anthology.
Now go out and hug/kiss/suck/fuck somebody, even if it is love in the fast lane.