It’s Love Week With Ray: There’s Just Sex and Then There’s Intimacy

It’s Love Week With Ray: There’s Just Sex and Then There’s Intimacy

There are those of us who have been burnt in relationships where one loved more than the other, who are tired of the emotional roller coaster ride relationships can bring, or who have a significant other who no longer gives us what we need in the way of sex and intimacy but who we stay with for other practical reasons – co-mingled lives, financial realities, or just the desire not to grow old alone. But our need for intimacy remains and so we turn to sex to compensate, since sex, in the end, is so much easier to find. The more men we have sex with, the more we’re loved, right?

I’m also convinced guys use coke and meth during sex to heighten the experience and put them in some state of euphoria so that the guy they just met – and who they may not even be strongly physically attracted to – suddenly becomes the love of their life.

That is, until the drugs wear off.

The same holds true with the loneliness I sense in all these guys on the cyber hook up sites that hit me up to either fantasize about having sex, sex that conveniently will never happen because thousands of miles separate us, or who just want to shoot the breeze with a fellow brother. And not just guys in the boonies where you would expect it, but also guys in some of the largest urban gay meccas where men are as plentiful as cockroaches, who ironically, either by choice or by default, are as isolated as some farmboy in the middle of Nebraska. We all know technology has killed most bars (and even most bath houses) as cruising grounds where you could look the guy in the eye before you grabbed his crotch. Just count the number of men the next time you’re out who are on their smartphones GPS’ing their latest hottie who is sitting on a toilet seat ten and a half yards away. Instead of catching the eye of the guy across the way who wants them. And who maybe, just maybe could change their lives.

Could it be all that soulful hugging we see in the bars when buddies get together, whether or not sex has been or is in the picture, could all this genuine camaraderie be their way of expressing an intimacy they don’t experience much anymore between the sheets?

Instead, too many of us sit alone in the dark by our laptops, content to conduct our social and sexual lives on a screen, where fantasy is better than reality because we can mold our fantasies into just about anything we want, create personas that make us more desirable than we could be in life, or have 10 message sexual encounters, laced with virtual intimacy. Jerking off with a guy in Dubai somehow makes you feel connected even if all he and you are are 0’s and 1’s

Maybe it’s a sign of the times, a fall-out of living in such a modern age, that true intimacy between two human beings has been lost when we need it the most.

For me some of the most satisfying in-the-flesh sexual experiences I’ve had have had little to do with hard cocks and hairy butts. It’s when the two of us, obviously turned on by one another’s physicality and masculinity, can just lie there silent in one another’s arms and forget for a brief moment the outside world exists.

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