My Good Friday Sacrilege: What If Jesus Were BI?

My Good Friday Sacrilege: What If Jesus Were BI?

Here I go again, taking the Express Train to Hell. Having read up on the historical Christ, I know that chances are a Palestine Jew of the first century would not have been homosexual nor openly exhibit homosexual tendencies. (They probably got their rocks off just kissing and hugging one another anyway.) But let’s fantasize a moment, shall we? (Don’t worry, I’ll get the Pope to give you dispensation for reading this, I promise. And you won’t go blind.)

If He were bi, Jesus, would He have been a lucky motherfucker! Twelve hairy, beary fisherman (look at all these hunky Palestinian men on the news), including His Boy, Johnny, plus Mary Magdalene as an occasional break from the men (how erotic is getting your feet washed with a woman’s hair, huh?). Christ, it would have been like having your own roving sex club! And that’s not counting the groupies that were sure to follow Him and his “men.”

Sacrilegious aspersions aside, according to scripture, Jesus was Man and God. If so, wouldn’t he have, or shouldn’t he have experienced as human an activity as sex? If there were any meager vestiges of the real life Jesus left in the Gospels, collectively the world’s greatest fairy tale with all its copycat parallels to pagan religions, those vestiges were sanitized and myth-ified. Just like Jesus’ depiction as a tall, lean Scandinavian by Renaissance painters when, in reality, he was probably 5 foot, five, dark and swarthy. (My other theory is that Jesus was an alien. Look at the immaculate conception, the miracles, the resurrection, the ascension into heaven. Read space ship.)

One thing the Gospels didn’t gloss over or sugar coat was His passion for S and M and bondage. You have to admit Jesus must have been the ultimate masochist.

Yikes! Please, no marks!

Happy Easter, boys. And no biting the ears off your chocolate bunny first – that’s the sure sign of a deviant.

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