Sex, Intimacy –And Jim
It’s a fact: Many of us – gay and str8 – either single or who may have partners no longer interested in doing it, are using sex as a substitute for intimacy.
Deep down, though, we know they’re not the same. Or do we?
Sure, there are the sex addicts who crave the endless attention and are only interested in their personal body count, and the asocial (if there is such a word) who look on guys as necessary evils who just happen to carry the appendages or orifices they desire. For them, the more anonymous the sex, the bigger the turn-on.
But then there are those who have been burnt in relationships where one loved more than the other, who are tired of the emotional roller coaster ride relationships can bring, or who have a significant other who no longer gives us what we need in the way of sex and intimacy but who we stay with for other practical reasons – co-mingled lives, financial realities, or just the desire not to be alone. Yet our need for intimacy remains and so we turn to sex to compensate, since sex, in the end, is easier to find. The more men we have sex with, the more we’re loved, right?
I’m also convinced guys, particularly younger guys, use coke and meth during sex to heighten the experience and put themselves in some state of euphoria so that the guy they just met – and who they may not even be strongly physically attracted to – suddenly becomes the love of their lives.
That is, until the drugs wear off.
The same holds true with the undercurrent of loneliness from all these guys on the cyber hook up sites that hit one another up to either fantasize about having sex, sex laced with words of endearment, sex that conveniently will never happen because thousands of miles separate them, or who just want to shoot the breeze with a fellow brother and feel some kind of connection. And not just guys in the boonies where you would expect it but also guys in some of the largest urban gay meccas where men are as plentiful as cockroaches, who ironically, either by choice or by default, are as isolated as some farmboy in the middle of Nebraska.
We all know technology has killed most bars (and even most bath houses) as cruising grounds where you could look the guy in the eye before you grabbed his crotch. Just count the number of men the next time you’re out who are on their smartphones GPS’ing their latest hottie who is sitting on a toilet seat ten and a half yards away, instead of catching the eye of the guy across the way who wants them. And who maybe, just maybe could change their lives and be more than just a hard dick.
Could it be all that soulful hugging we see in the bars when buddies get together, whether or not sex has been or is in the picture, could all this genuine camaraderie be their way of expressing a kind of man-to-man intimacy they don’t experience much anymore between the sheets?
And yes, too many of us sit alone in the dark by our laptops, content to conduct our social and sexual lives on a screen, where fantasy is better than reality because we can mold our fantasies into just about anything we want, create personas that make us more desirable than we could ever be in life, or have 10 message sexual encounters which are not always all about sucking and fucking but are often intertwined with virtual intimacy. Camming with a guy in Dubai who asks you if you’re a good kisser somehow makes you feel human even if all he and you are are 0’s and 1’s
Maybe it’s a sign of the times, a fall-out of living in such a modern age, that true intimacy between two human beings has been lost when we need it the most.
Yet some of the most satisfying in-the-flesh sexual experiences may have little to do with hard cocks and hairy butts. It’s when two guys, obviously turned on by one another’s physicality and masculinity, can just lie there silent in one another’s arms and forget for a brief moment the outside world exists.
Like Jim and I.
Jim reached out to me on Adam4Adam but the first time we connected it was a disaster. He roared into my house like a bull in a china shop and threw himself so hard on top of me I felt almost suffocated. Getting up I ordered him to get the fuck out which he did.
About a week later, he messaged me again. I was about ready to block him.
“I’m sorry. It’s just want you so bad.”
“Ok, let’s give it one more try. But this time we take it slow.”
We did and that made all the difference in the world. We’ve gotten together at least a dozen times since and each time seems more passionate than the last. Is it love, hormones, lust?