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After all, sex is 70% fantasy and 30% lube, so how can you tell if a would-be web hottie is just leading you on and has no intentions of ever bedding down in the flesh, or is someone you shouldn’t have even bothered wasting keystrokes on in the first place?
- He uses the phrase “you’re hot” or facsimile thereof at least ten times in the first two messages.
- The level of “dirty talk” – “and after you’ve given my hairy butt hole a tongue bath …” – accelerates until every orifice in the human body has been explored virtually twice.
- His profile goes on for seven paragraphs about his philosophy of life/Buddha /karma/yoga/meditation/favorite music or pastimes besides fucking, but doesn’t give you one fuckin’ stat about himself (incidental things, you know, when you’re contemplating sex, like height, weight, Manhunt age, cock size, usually measured from the crack of his ass, preferences in bed).
- He has come on to you but goes on and on in his profile about his partner Jake (“I love ya man!”). O.K., so what is he doing looking for dick?
- He asks for more pics, preferably the nude, hard-as-a-power-pole variety.
- He says he’s falling in love with you (he means the 2 by 3 inch pics you touched up on Photoshop). This instant love is particularly prevalent among supposedly lonely boys from Eastern Europe and Russia. If you’re stupid enough to fall for this bullshit and continue a dialogue, he eventually will cry poverty and ask you to send him $$$.
- He works at Gaymart but has a schedule so impossible to shoehorn your way into, you think he was the President.
- He asks for more pics.
- The “negotiations,” where, when, what fuckin’ color T-shirt you’ll be wearing when you two rendezvous outside in some turn lane on Somewhere Drive, go back and forth over dozens of messages and several weeks. This is especially true of out-of-town “guests,” some of whom are just flattering your very vulnerable ego so they can have a cheap place to stay.
- You’re at the point where you ask, “O.K., when, where?” His response: “cool” or “kewl.” What the fuck is “cool/kewl” supposed to mean?
- You suggest, “How about Wednesday at 5, your place?” If his response is “That sounds like a plan,” 9 times out of 10, it’s a plan that goes nowhere.
- He asks for more pics.
If any of these superlatives comes up on your hookup site or app radar screen, don’t waste your time. But, by the same token, feel flattered. In all probability, you’ve just become this guy’s private porn site. Ask him for his address so you know where to send the Windex to clean all that cum off his pc or smartphone screen.