Heeding The Red Flags: ll
I told you Monday about a long time fuckbuddyship that l wanted to turn into a friend with benefits but instead went up in a burst of flames because l misread the signs. I didn’t heed the red flags, the red flags that clearly said, call it a day, Ray, what you want you aint gonna get from this guy.
Red Flag # 1
I always played host but when my other half no longer interested in sex was down from our PA home for the winter here in Florida and l couldn’t host, neither could Ted even though he claimed he lived alone. If he had a partner that was certainly no big deal in this town of philandering partners but more and more l wondered if he was married, like married to a woman which he denied, or was so closeted and paranoid he didn’t want his neighbors to see him bring a strange man into his house (bullshit). Or maybe wanted to keep the candy use confined to my place and not potentially poison his (maybe) or didn’t want me to know any more about him than he was willing to tell me (quite possible). At that point if l felt l didn’t get some reasonable answers to reasonable questions from a guy l was bedding down with almost weekly, maybe l should have pulled the plug. But l didn’t. Little advance notice on our liaisons was also something l didn’t fight and should have.
Red Flag #2
Once when l had no candy he said he’d wait. So was it l he enjoyed or the free M and M’s? I often wondered when he changed from a shy guy to a passionate animal whether he wasn’t one of those “str8’s” who needed a few drinks, or in this case a few puffs, to do it with a man. Should l have brought up contributing to the candy fund and if he ignored that call it day? But l didn’t.
Red Flag #3
Late in our fuckbuddyship l expressed my desire to get off the hook up sites merry- go-round and said if l knew we would have regular sex l would take all my profiles down. His response? He said he was flattered. Nothing more. Once l told him l loved him in my own way. Again a weak smile but no reaction. If my intentions were like throwing grass seed on the ocean wasn’t that the time for me to cool it? But l didn’t. Or for him to just spit it out: “Ray, l like you, we have great sex, but like l told you before, that’s as far as l want it to go.” But he didn’t and think you see now why.
Red Flag #4
Ignoring my requests to do something beyond the bedroom, like dinner. (In our last confrontation, he said he didn’t want to go out to dinner because he didn’t want to give me the wrong idea about “us.” Huh?) Shouldn’t that have been a clear sign all he wanted was the sex and the candy?
Red Flag #5
But the clearest red flag that l overlooked because l was a jerk came in July of 2015 when a terrible infection in one my sinuses would not clear up with antibiotics, forcing me to undergo an outpatient procedure under general anesthesia to drain it. The last time l had been in the hospital was when l had my tonsils removed at four and l had great trepidation about the surgery since it was being performed in the cranial area and carried the remote but potential risk of vision loss or brain damage. I casually mentioned to Ted the Friday prior to my surgery l would have to report to the hospital that Monday morning at 5 a.m. and would be taking a cab since l didn’t want to inconvenience any of my friends.
“I’ll take you,” he insisted, “no one should go to the hospital alone.” All through that weekend l left numerous voicemails and texts to confirm he was coming but never got a response. So Monday a.m., l took the cab – alone. The surgery went without a hitch and l didn’t bother contacting Ted about any of it when, out of the blue, a week or so later he texted me. “Wanna be bad?”, his lead-in for wanting sex.
Now any one else would have waited till he pulled up to the house, then blast him. But being the practical faggot, l figured why wreck a good night of sex. When l nonchalantly asked him about my ride, he said he had come down with the flu. That’s the first time l heard the flu incapacitated your ability to throw out a ten second text, “Sorry, sick, can’t take you.” l overlooked the whole thing and looking back realized l shouldn’t have.
But in the end Ted has done me a favor. I mainly bought the M and M’s to have them around for him. So since our arrivederci, l’ve been on an M and M diet.
Is there a lesson to be learned from all this? Sure, but it’s something l realized long before l met Ted.
If they don’t want you, they don’t want you.
All the pleading and pestering in the world won’t make a difference.
When l saw early in the game a friend with benefits wasn’t in the cards for Ted and I, and realizing how awkward it was becoming for me to continue to see someone who l cared more about than he did me, l should have ended it right there.
I didn’t need the red flags to tell me that.
Friday: Not Heeding The Red Flags Can Have Serious Consequences