My Gay Predictions for 2017 in a Trump America
I usually run my gay prediction blog around New Year’s but since I don’t know where the hell I or any of us will be by then, here it is:
The value of real estate will go up if your house has a nuclear bomb-resistant shelter. Just in case Prez Trump pisses off the wrong dictator.
Veterinarians with a heavy gay cliente (like down here in Lauderdale where there are almost as many vets as pizza parlors) will become informants for the government, interested in compiling lists of societal deviants.
Attorneys will be swamped with gay married couples seeking annulments so there’s no paper trail.
“Butch it up” online courses will become the rage.
With bigots feeling legitimized by Trump’s election, some enterprising sports gear company will manufacture a “Bash ‘Em!” bat guys can wear snugly around their dicks like a condom but that can instantly inflate when they need it. You’ll have to show your drivers license to buy them which will now include sexual orientation so gays will have to come up with own means of defense – like hand guns.
Gay bars will be converted into Evangelical Christian prayer houses, or holding stations for those being transferred to the conversion camps in North Dakota. (See below.)
Male escorts and porn star super hunks who can pass for str8 in Trump’s New World will be auctioning off their services to the less fortunate on E Bay starting at ten thousand dollars for a two-hour fling. Two thousand dollars additional if you like getting fisted.
Banana Republic and Abercrombie & Fitch will file bankruptcy. So will all those online pharmacies that sell generic Viagra for a buck a pill.
Real estate in places once inexpensive for Americans like Belize, Costa Rica and Bolivia will go through the roof as gays with $$$ leave the country in droves. (South America may be too expensive and, shit, who wants to freeze their asses off in Western Europe.)
For those who ain’t got the bucks to defect, there will be secret “final” orgy parties where after their last fuck with a guy or one of those Fort Troff’s fucking machines, participants will OD on the drug of their choice. Hey, if you’re gonna go, you might as well be as high as a kite doing it.
There will be auctions and phone apps where you can sell your beloved doggie cheap if you can’t take him to wherever you’re going. In return you will receive a hologram key chain with his little picture to remember him by.
The fashion and entertainment industries, decimated of all their gay hotties, will resort to digital animation.
Bootleg businesses will start setting up shop outside the conversion camps VP Pence will be building in North Dakota for all the poor suckers who couldn’t escape otherwise, businesses selling contraband to the inmates like grass, Ecstasy and sun lamps.
For a hefty price, you’ll be able to download the manual, “How to Fake Str8” which guarantees a short sentence in the conversion camps provided you agree to fuck and marry the horsiest looking girls Pence’s Army can find.
Those guys who aren’t twinks can opt out of the camps in exchange for working on the chain gangs that will be rebuilding our roads and bridges and tunnels Trump promises to have done.
All First Ladies come up with a cause, and First Lady Melania Trump’s will be to visit the conversion camps and identify the prettiest guys too precious to work on the chain gangs to serve as bell hops or pool boys at one of her husband’s hotels.
And for the truly desperate, there will always be the Kate Jenner Transgender Surgery Center. Kate, formerly Bruce, being a good Republican, will offer discounted prices on “The Final Solution.”
Okay, you can light that joint now. Just make sure it’s the medicinal variety. Trust me – l tried it once with my paralyzed buddy who needed it to kill the pain he got in his legs – it’s better than sex.
Too bad one of the states that put Trump over the top – my Florida – just approved it.