Was Jesus Bi?

Was Jesus Bi?

Here I go again, taking the Express Train to Hell. Having read up on the historical Christ, I know that chances are a Palestine Jew of the first century would not have been homosexual nor openly exhibit homosexual tendencies. (They probably got their rocks off just kissing and hugging one another anyway.) But let’s fantasize a moment, shall we? (Don’t worry, I’ll get the Pope to give you dispensation for reading this, I promise. And you won’t go blind.)

If He were bi, Jesus, would He have been a lucky motherfucker! Twelve hairy, beary fisherman (look at all these hunky Palestinian men on the news), including His Boy, Johnny, plus Mary Magdalene ( who was marginalized as a possible thirteenth apostle by Church fathers because she was a woman)  as an occasion break from the men. I mean next to stroking a furry bear’s chest, how erotic is getting your feet washed with a woman’s waist length hair, huh? Christ, it would have been like having your own roving sex club! And that’s not counting the groupies that were sure to follow Him and his “men.”

Sacrilegious aspersions aside, according to scripture, Jesus was Man and God. If so, wouldn’t he have, or shouldn’t he have experienced as human an activity as sex? Biblical historians point to the possible exile of a living Jesus and Mary Magdalene, eventually his bride, to modern day France where they are said to have actually raised a family that became the bloodline for royals.

If there were any meager vestiges of the real life Jesus left in the Gospels, collectively the world’s greatest fairy tale with all its copycat parallels to pagan religions so the masses would buy in, those vestiges were sanitized and myth-ified.

Just like Jesus’ depiction as a tall, lean Scandinavian type by Renaissance painters when, in reality, he was probably 5 foot, five, dark and swarthy.

Or Christ’s birth in the winter. Archeological meteorologists indicate Jesus was actually born in the summer, but again Church fathers established Christmas to coincide with a pagan winter festival to make it easier to embrace.

Or even the resurrection – paralleled time and time again in ancient religions.

My alternative theory is that Jesus was an alien. Look at the immaculate conception, the miracles, the resurrection, the ascension into heaven. Read space ship.

One thing the Gospels didn’t gloss over or sugar coat was His passion for S and M and bondage. You have to admit Jesus must have been the ultimate masochist.

Yikes! Please, no marks!

But on a more somber note, there are two things I find ironic when it comes to these holier-than-thou Christians, many soon to be in positions of power,  who if they had their way would put us all in conversion camps in North Dakota:

Jesus said, “I am the New Testament,” but whenever folks want to blackball us, they quote that passage in the Old Testament’s Leviticus, “Man shall not lay with man…” If Christ clearly emphasized the Old Testament was dead, why do they keep rehashing old shit?

BTW, discouraging men to cohabitate with men in the days of Moses was a practical issue because the Jewish tribes needed their members to keep having kids for child labor. Any persons who didn’t procreate weren’t contributing to the survival of the tribe.

If you boil Christianity down to its essence, it was Christ’s ultimate commandment, “Love one anther.” Boy, would he rolling around in his grave (had he not risen from the dead) if He saw where that went.

Have a good holiday weekend – chat with you on Monday…

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