Boys and Their Toys

Boys and Their Toys

When l was young, sex seemed so easy. You, him, some lube, a bottle of poppers and, depending on persuasions, some condoms. Yes, that’s all you needed to have a good time.

But as we grow older and get bored with plain old suck and fuck sex, we begin to turn to toys to spice things up. I’m not talking about cock rings or dildoes, that’s so pedestrian, except maybe for the dildoes the length of a boa constrictor for fist fuckees. No, when l mean toys, I mean expensive toys like you’d find at Fort Troff, Mr. S Leather, or any of the hook-up sites’ sex shops:

Estim pads and power boxes and various estim accessories to give your dick, balls or ass hole a jolt. And electricity seems to all the rage lately. In more primitive times, my Mafia lover who wanted to keep me when l was kinda young and kinda pretty connected a 6 volt battery, you know the kind you put in those utility lanterns, to a spoon which he put under our balls – zap! It could have been the poor man’s way to reassignment surgery. Funny, the stupid things you’ll do when you’re young – and stupid.

Penis extenders which act as condoms but in a fun way.

Vacuum pumps to make almost any dick look like a size queen’s wet dream. The electric ones are particularly nifty. Just stick your cock and/or balls in and watch them grow. Look ma, no hands!

Israeli surplus gas masks so you can feed your partner poppers or other evil vapors through a hose to make him super high as you go down on his dick.

Ball extenders, crushers, weights, oh, the things we will do to our testicles when we no longer use them for procreation.

Rim chairs – check out your local thrift shops for used home medical equipment – they’re a fraction of the price of those shiny black jobs the leather shops sell.

Butt plugs that vibrate, even rim you.

Fleshlites, fucking machines – who needs a man at all.

Tit suckers and tit clamps that make the old tried and true clothespins so boring for those guys like me whose nips are hardwired to our cocks or, with some men, their buttholes.

For the ultimate in S and M, there’s metal rods called sounds, or silicone snakes you shove down your piss slit which is the last frontier in sexual pleasure yet to be explored by most men. Penis plugs that you can piss and cum through are the junior versions of those longer suckers.

Vibrators of every size including the Hitachi wand for breaking the Guinness Book of Records on getting off.

And of course there’s slings and all variety of bondage accessories. Velcro restraints makes dungeon life so much more efficient.

Now unless you’re creative and get hard-ons like me in Home Depot or Office Depot as you go toy shopping (or your local supermarket – yes, in my bygone bath days l once saw a cucumber on a guy’s nightstand), you can go broke with toy collecting. The average price of most of the stuff l just described starts at around, give or take, a hundred bucks.

But at least you can walk into your local leather haunt or hardware store or buy the stuff online legally from outlets like Fort Troff or Mr. S Leather.

Now when it comes to securing all those other feel good pharmaceuticals to create the proper ambiance in your playroom… good luck Charlie.



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