The Dickter (as in Rickter) Scale
Admit it. We live in a pretty shallow sub-culture where physicality, not brains nor success nor professional achievement, reigns supreme (unless the guy’s bucks means he can keep you in a style of living you don’t deserve), and where one guy’s cream-in-his-jeans hottie is another’s aversion therapy.
I often joke if you’re gonna be gay, you better have at least one of these three things: be pretty, have a big dick or have lots of money. Otherwise, go straight, marry some equally hopelessly homely female and have some beautiful hot kids whom these hopelessly homely couples often sire. (Hey, the next generation of hotties has to come from somewhere.)
But getting back to my Dickter scale, if we were to try to apply some universal standards to this vast diversity of species we call male, here’s how you might rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, strictly on physical, “does he get my dick rising” criteria:
1-3: No redeeming characteristics whatsoever. No face, no bod (whatever bod turns you on) or even a 10 inch tool he can dangle around in the steam room.
4 to 6: OK, in a benignly pleasant, non-threatening (read boring) kind of way. Could have been something special, but that something special probably went down his daddy’s leg. The kind of friends Number 10’s usually surround themselves with since they make them look even hotter.
6- 7: Ah, if the Gay God had just given him a tinge more of something. If he just grew a beard to hide his no-chin chin, or lost (or gained) thirty pounds, or went to the gym, or got contact lenses or wore sexier clothes or got that nose job.
7.5 to 9: Turn up the A.C. It’s getting hot in here. He may not be Brad Pitt but he’s got IT, a heaving undercurrent of masculinity or just a day’s growth or maybe a humpy bod. Whatever it is, you feel a twitch in your dick when you see him.
And then, there’s the top of the shit heap, the Numero Ten’s, the kind of work of art that, regardless of your personal type, you have to admit is God’s gift to Gaydom. Usually tall, though not always, usually dark, but not always, usually muscular, but not always. But yes, the kind of guy, again even if he’s not your personal best, you’d somehow still spend your entire Visa credit line on for a night. The kind that make plastic surgeons go out of business. Or make them rich.
The problem with all this is that the 3’s will only “settle” for 9’s or 10’s, the 10’s want 13’s, and the 7’s are left jerking off over their favorite amateur video on xtube or pornmd. That is, if the 3’s and the 10’s aren’t clogging up the DSL broadbands.
Hey men, guess what? That so-so looking #3 guy might be great marriage material (even great sex) and make us truly content if we only took time to look beyond the biceps.
Tomorrow: Fuck Buddies
(c) RP Andrews Enterprises