The Inferiority/Superiority Meter: Our Fragile Egos in Overdrive: Part II
While external forces (a hot, cruisy stare, a stranger’s disparaging whisper) will trigger the twitch of the Inferiority/ Superiority Meter, its roots are deep seated in our respective psyches. Many folks reflect on their high school years with nostalgic fondness. Me? When they had a class reunion a few years ago, all I wanted to do is go back and pull a Carrie on the whole fucking bunch. My adolescent years were pure hell: I was the shortest guy in my class, unathletic, the last to be picked for teams, a nerd, not interested in girls nor them in me, and hairy as hell to boot. Fast forward to my early twenties when I started hitting the scene in L.A. where I was going to college, and discovered guys accepting, desiring me, simply for what they saw and loved that fur. Shallow, sure, but also deeply elemental.
Yet, for most of my adult life, no matter how successful I was in my career and in getting men, I never really outgrew the feelings I had when I was fourteen. It was classic manic-depression on some level I guess, or what I like to more glamorously refer to as the Marilyn Monroe Complex. The bitch goddess seemingly had it all, yet could never abandon or move on from her fucked-up childhood (raped by step-daddy, etc., etc.).
Am I alone in this? Aren’t so many of us fixated on how we look in that next mirror or glass door reflection or check the scale three times a day, or spend money on clothes we don’t need to look good? Or throw that $40. T–shirt we wore just once in a Salvation Army clothes bin if we think it did nothing for us?
No, it wasn’t until much later in life that I realized we all have our strengths and weaknesses and that confidence in oneself comes from within and is not dependent on other people to make it happen.
Only then can we dump our respective I/S meters on the top of the shit pile of Life’s Crap.
And move on.