The Third Sex Redefined: Today’s Bi-Married Man, Part II
So why does a guy who knows damn well a dick is the only kind of anatomical equipment that’s really gonna excite him get involved with a woman, and – yikes! – marry her?
“I didn’t know I was gay.” Maybe the guy doesn’t recognize his true sexuality deep down inside, though today with the web and mainstream media, I can’t believe anyone could be that naïve or sheltered. Or is he trying to fool himself and thinks if he just gets married, those strange urges will pass? Sure, there may be men out there who very admirably suppress their sexual desires and sublimate them into husbandhood, fatherhood and profession. And if these same men can live their entire lives that way with perhaps a M4M tryst now and again, who are they hurting?
“I’ll end up in hell.” or “I’m just supposed to get married.” A lot of this is a generational, ethnic phenomenon. Thirty or forty years ago, guys, particularly Catholic or Jewish or Muslim and/or from Eastern European or Middle Eastern ethnicities were often in the marriage vise when they turned 22. Then there are those who needed to carry on the family name or fortune. Have things changed all that much in our so-called enlightened society to make it easier for the gay blades among these ranks today to slip out of the marriage noose? I don’t know. But is it being more of man not to start the ruse in the first place? Move out of town and get out from under it all.
“The right guy never came along – until now.” Maybe that contact with another guy at a point in life when we reach that fork in the road happens after that walk down the aisle.
“My wife doesn’t want sex anymore and treats me like shit.” Some bi-guys, usually the over forty group, will tell me that the reason they turned to men for sex is because their wives don’t appreciate them any more. Or they don’t want to, or can’t keep up with hubby’s attempts to hold on to his youth, whether it’s staying in shape or wearing the latest threads. Or the woman just plain doesn’t want to have sex. Enter another man who tells the guy he’s hot. O.K., but I still say the urge for the male species had to be there in the first place.
“Living straight is just easier.” Maybe it just comes down to the fact that straight life has a script, gay life is free fall, and some guys would rather follow a script, i.e., marry by 25, have your 2.1 kids by 30, etc., and worry about the consequences, if they ever come, later.
Like the average non-descript gay guy I often speak about, bi-married guys are not a group that ordinarily stand out like some radical drag on roller skates at the gay pride parade. They live their married, often suburban, sometimes rural lives like any other married men. Only, unlike us full time gay boys who frequent the bars and sex clubs on a regular basis, bi-marrieds often wait for the opportunity to present itself, at the gym, adult bookstore, or more and more online where faux personas are as common as dog shit on a city sidewalk., do their business, then go home to wifey and kids as if they had just had a haircut or a beer with the guys. Or they have a job that gets them out of town a lot and offers plenty of opportunities to screw around.
BTW, when it comes to the gym, I’m not talking just about those guys who live in the cities where the gyms are mixed or even tipped in favor of us gay boys. Hell, a bi-friend of mine with grown kids gets action all the time in the sauna at one of the named health clubs in the heart of New York’s Long Island suburbs. When I naively asked him how that could be, he smugly replied, “One of the guys just watches the door.”
And while gays like to live in their deceptively safe urban ghettos, bi-marrieds feel surprisingly more comfortable in the burbs or boonies where they can fade into the woodwork like other marrieds. This is even true if, post-divorce, they’re raising their kids on their own, or with a partner who some kids view as their second “Popi.” When a divorce occurs after decades of marriage, the now adult children, maybe because they’re from another generation, often have no hang-ups about Dad announcing he’s gay; other times, they desert him once that closet door has been flung open, poisoned by a vindictive wife/mother or society.
Bottom line, bi-marrieds are out there in numbers greater than most gays or straights would believe and, who knows, despite all the challenges, may be happier, too.
After all, who can really define happiness?