“Loving”: Was I A Victim of HIS Catholic Guilt?
l’m a Protestant and when l knew there were guys out there like me, l said to myself, show me the way. For the last three years l had been seeing a fuck buddy almost every week who l grew to love although those feelings were not reciprocated. Okay, I can buy that, but even when l tried to turn our bedroom affair to a friend with benefits who did other things besides screwing around, l got nowhere. When that happens, you either settle for things on his terms which is awkward at best, or pull out. Instead the relationship came to an abrupt end in a torrid of ugly text messages. Rob had kidded a few times about ‘Catholic guilt.’ Now I realize the joke was on me.
l believe you go through a grieving process when relationships end for any reason just like any loss, and letting Rob go was certainly a loss for me. And frankly still is. You see, he was the closest thing to my type of guy that I had ever met in my life. In his mid-fifties, short like me with a lightly muscular trim body, nice fur, and a rugged, handsome face, he had a professional job just like I had had, the house, the dog, a seemingly normal life unlike the losers l had met up to then and still meet, so yes it was rough to call it a day. He was in financial straits and I was so fond of him that I was willing to give, not loan, but give him the money he needed to the tune of thousands of dollars, but when even that carrot in front of the donkey did not change his behavior towards me and I remained a footnote in his life, there was no turning back. lt ended.
But as I reviewed in my mind the things that turned me off, l began to wonder if at least part of the problem was that Rob suffered from Catholic guilt and l was its victim.
So for those of you who suffer or have suffered from Catholic guilt or are confronted with it, I like to know what you think (by the way if Catholic guilt is for real, the Catholic Church wins top honors as the world’s ultimate brainwasher). Or as others have suggested and passed through my mind a few times, did he have a partner, even a legal hubby and three other Rays on the side? It certainly would have been easier to explain what happened.
But you decide.
The first time Rob, who l met on Adam 4Adam, came to my house, he stormed in like a bull in a china shop, totally plastered, and threw himself on me. I told him to get the fuck out, and it was only after a week later when he contacted me that I said let’s give it another try, but that he needed to slow down. That seemed to work, in fact though one sided, l had some of the best, lustful sex in my life with Rob, but almost every time after that that we connected he was always just a little drunk. (The one time and only time we actually went out to eat, he had two margaritas in the space of 20 minutes, knowing that we would hit my bedroom afterwards.)
He was either drinking wine at home or had just come from a “dinner with friends.” a phrase that l came to loath since if he had more time for them than me, what the fuck was I? Towards the end, I felt like his free standby rentboy available almost at a moment’s notice anytime he wanted me, or l should say, sex. And he always looked for the meth pipe when he arrived. I strongly believed we were aroused by one another and certainly the drug put us in an even higher sensual mood, but did he need first the liquor, then the drug to loosen up to have sex with a man? Or with me?
In my bedroom he became my private leatherman and we would wear my harnesses and other leather paraphernalia to horn up. Yet when l mentioned about visiting our local leather bar, his response was: “I don’t want anybody to see me there.”
So was this all due to his Catholic guilt? Did he marginalize or compartmentalize me in his life so that the evil side did not enter his normal side? Was the one sided sex so that he was not committing the act, I was? Was the fact that he never wanted to have sex with me in his home mean that he wanted to keep his home clean of evil? Did he never contribute to the meth fund because that way I was the one providing the drug, not him? Was his very little notice and the need to loosen up to drop his Inhibitions all have to do with some deep-seated religious guilt?
Several times over the course of the three years we knew one another I mentioned about dropping the meth altogether and even admonished him once for showing up drunk. While he agreed going “sober” as he put it, a term used by recovering alcoholics and drug addicts, would be good in his mind, that also meant no sex. I even countered him on this interpretation but he played mum.
Yes, for all our commonalities, we were different in many significant ways. I am a realist, he the idealist. It’s not that I don’t believe in change but there are certain things that you need to live with. For example, his participation in anti-Trump protests to me were a waste of time. He also was only half-joking when he mentioned that the tooth fairy would fix the transmission in his car since he did not have the $2,000 to get it repaired. (That’s why I don’t buy the theory Rob had a partner unless the partner was broker than him.) But just because we had different views on life did not mean we could not have good sex together and did not mean we could not be friends outside the bedroom. But I think his Catholic guilt would not permit that.
It was one of the saddest chapters in my gay life to say goodbye to Rob, but when you’re dealing with such a deep-seated psychosis, let’s call a spade a spade, because that’s what it is, I really believe there is no hope. And sad!y in my mind there is no justification for such guilt. Bottom line, putting organized religion aside, God created all of us and that includes our genes, and it was He who chose to make a few of us different from the rest. But He did not mean for us to pay for that difference, a difference He was responsible for, by leading a guilt-ridden existence.
Or hurt others in the process.