Gay Double Speak

Gay Double Speak

Hell, today more than ever in this culture of info-overload, our society is full of celebrities, politicians, and commentators saying one thing and meaning something else. Or as Trump’s people would put it, “alternate truths.” But I think it all started with us gay boys:

“You look great!”

What he really means: “You looked like shit the last time I saw you, and you still do, but since I heard Gig left you, and I can see why, I don’t want to be the person who pushed you into walking in the middle lane of the highway so I’ll be upbeat.”

“Gees you lost weight!”

What he really means, “You don’t look as fat as the last time I saw you, but you still got a ways to go to look as good as me.”

“Boy you look like you work out a lot.”

What he really means: “I’m envious. I probably spend more time in the gym than you do. So how much juicing up do you do, buddy? Don’t you know it’s gonna pickle your liver?””

You ask when a guy you thought was interested in bedding down wants to connect , and he replies, “Cool!” or if you throw out a strategy, he replies, “Sounds like a plan.”

What he really means: “Shit I don’t know if I want to make a commitment right now, I mean you look O.K., but I’m on vacation and I’m really waiting for somebody better, but just in case, let me string you along with some nice, hip totally evasive response.”

A buddy is getting nowhere with some hottie he’s tricked with three times in a row: “But I really love him!”  You reply very empathically: “Well, did you tell him how you feel about him?”

What you want to do is shake him and yell, “Look, all you were was a good fuck – if he wanted more from you, don’t you think he’d say so by now? You’re 45, and look 55, he’s 33 and ready to pose for the cover of Men’s Fitness. Wake up and smell the coffee!”

The guy is 55, got infected when he was 39 (i.e., around 1995, ten years after researchers knew how HIV was transmitted). He describes himself as a “survivor,” looking for some kind of sympathy from you. You respond, “Glad to hear it.”

What you really want to say is: “You fucken jerk – you knew what was gonna on. Sorry to hear you got fucked, literally and figuratively, but my tax dollars are paying to take care of you and you want sympathy too? Huh?”

You’re on the beach and your buddy introduces you to bunch of guys he met in from San Francisco for the weekend.  As they leave for their beach blanket, you exchange, “it was nice meeting you.”

What you really want to say to the hottie of the group: “Here’s my cell number. Ditch your friends and let’s fuck.”

Or if none of them stirs your dick, “That’s a relief. I was afraid one of them was gonna make a move on me.”

You’ve fucked around with a guy at the bath house and you both had some fun but it’s too early in the evening to cum, so as he moves on, “he says, “Catch you later.”

What he means: “That is if nothing better comes along because I’m a pig and I want to fuck around with as many guys as I can tonight but if I still haven’t cum by 2 and you’re still trolling around, well, why not?”

You’re introduced by an acquaintance to some fifty something rich faggot who’s either a six figure Manhattan corporate attorney or a trust fund baby who can’t stop telling you what exclusive neighborhood his seven bedroom home and two thousand square foot condo and beach front vacation getaway are in, how he trades in his Lexus for a new model every year, and where he stays when he vacations on the French Riviera. He, in turn, introduces you to his 35 year old muscled partner who throws his arm around him affectionately.

You smile benignly and reply, “that’s great.”

What you want to say is, “I don’t give a fuck if you got as much money as Bill Gates. You’re still an ugly old fuck that even half a mil in cosmetic surgery won’t help.”

And to his hunky paramour: “Who the fuck are you kidding with all this all lovely-dovey bullshit? How many times did you fuck his sorry ass or his yours for those keys to the Ferrari?”

But, as we all know, honesty is not always the way to win friends and influence people – and definitely doesn’t work when you’re searching for dick.

 

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